I have a friend who is adopting a little girl from Africa. She has been dreaming about this for years. She has put her love into action, followed her heart and started the process. Not afraid of the sacrifice, only knowing in her heart this is what she is called to do.
I have another friend who gives all her time to the boy scouts. She coordinates Gabe's pack and spends many hours a day organizing events and programs. Giving of herself unselfishly everyday.
I have other friend in my Mom's club who volunteer their time. They organize a group of ladies that makes a difference in our community. They help other mom's in need in many ways.
As I am thinking about all the things other people are doing to make a difference in this world. Guilt starts to run think in my veins. What do I do? How do I give? I start saying negative things to myself. Hidden places that no one else would know about. "Kris, your not good enough". "You are selfish". "You are sitting in that big house surrounded by so much and you don't give enough".
These are the thoughts that eat away at my heart. They start small and I soon find myself snapping at my children or running to the cupboard hoping to find that big chocolate bar. I have to find something that will take away my guilt and hopelessness.
That night, I poured a hot bath. I lay in the hot water praying in mumbled tones. As my prayer became more clear, I asked God. "What am I suppose to do"? "What is my purpose"? It was more of a pity party then anything. Listening to the dark voices, feeling sorry for myself.
God answered and started warming my heart. The spirit started releasing my anxiety. I cried healing tears. Tears that washed the bitterness away and left me raw. Stripped raw but, able to see more clearly.
Right now in this moment I am called to love. Nothing more and nothing less. Love beyond all understanding. My love is different then everyone's love. I am called to do MY part. Not theirs.
I am to love my four year old when he screams and refuses to eat. Loving him today means not screaming back at him. Not putting him a time out. Loving him means being compassionate and trying to understand and help him as he struggles to control his emotions.
I am to love my neighbor who lives behind me. I am to love her even when she pokes her head over my fence speaking hate towards me. Loving her means not seeking vengence on her but, responding with kindness and understanding.
I am to love a person in my life who is so different from me that I can't understand them. I take their words the wrong way and it's so easy for my attitude towards them to turn bitter and prideful. Loving them means not allowing the bitterness to start, praying over them, and tying harder to compassionatly understand them.
I am to love the teenagers in the park who have no respect. They talk endlessly on their cell phones using cuss words to communicate. My babies hear these words and I want to scream at them. I want to tell them in a very mean voice that I won't tolerate this behavior. I want to scream my hate at them. But, loving them means talking to them nicely and trying to remember what it is like to be a teenager.
I am to love all people. Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. Baptists and Methodists. Presbyterians and Episcopalians. All the Non Denominations. The Muslims, Jews, and Buddhists. Accepting them on their journey knowing with my whole being that God loves them too. Loving them means not putting them in my tight little box of understanding. It means standing beside them on their journey and encouraging them.
I am to love my friends and family who are non believers. Loving them means I will accept them and their beliefs and not think that my way of spirituality is better then theirs. I will not judge them. I will accept their belief in the things of this world and love them even more for it.
I am to love my friends from my past who are hard to love. They don't live their life the way I would. It's so easy for me to forget about them and find new friends. My friends who think more like me. Who do the same things as me. Who are EASY to love in this season of my life. Loving my friends from my past means that I call them, I pray for them, and I am their friend no matter what happens.
I am to love my children at 8:30 at night when all I want is some adult time. Loving them means I stay longer in their bedrooms at night. I read them 1 more bible study. I sit on the edge of their bed and sing them their songs. I rock my little pig tailed girl until she falls asleep. I stop and pray over each head knowing my precious alone time is slipping away.
I am to love a husband who runs a large company, supports a big family and is trying to quit chewing. Loving him means forgiveness, selflessness, and not judging him. Loving him means that everyday I humble myself and work hard at our marriage even when I don't want to.
And, me. I will love me. I will love me tomorrow by cooking nutritious foods for myself, listening to my body, and learning ways to make myself stronger and healthier. I will take an hour of quiet time while Grace sleeps and do my bible study. I will call my mom or a friend just for some adult conversation. I will honor this time even if there is laundry to fold and dishes in the sink.
This is my calling. This is right where God wants me to be and when I stop and listen I can hear these confirming words. It's when I am trying to compare myself to others that I am blind to see all that is front of me. Because I know through my faith and trust in God that I am doing exactly what I have been called to do. Right here in the middle of the desert.
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
