A camping trip

Several weekends in a row Bryan took the boys camping.  He tried to convince me to bring Grace and come along.   I didn't want to go camping with a 18 month old.   I knew what was involved.  Eating dirt, falling down, and being overtired.   No, thank you.   I wasn't ready for camping just yet.  

But, Grace cried every time her dad and brothers pulled out of the driveway.  She didn't want to be left out and I couldn't resist those big crocodile tears anymore.   So, we loaded the Tahoe with the boys and all our food and camping gear and headed up to the mountains.

This is my favorite picture from the weekend.   Me and my kids in the Arizona mountains.

Yet, don't let this angelic picture fool you.   Bryan and I will both tell you that when you take 4 children anywhere there is noise, chaos, and a lot of patience involved.

This is not the place where we went to relax, enjoy nature, and find inner peace.    At some point in the weekend when everyone was whining, hungry, and overtired we looked at each other and wondered why we do this to ourselves.  Why aren't we at home sitting in front of the TV or in Hawaii on a beach somewhere for that matter?

It makes me remember that moment in the car after we had everything packed up from our weekend and were ready to head home when Bryan realized that he couldn't find his wallet.   The last place we remembered seeing it was the night before in the tent pocket on the side of the tent.   But, the tent was all packed and we had struggled to get it up on the roof of our car and strapped safety down just moments before.    At this point, there may have been some cuss words involved.   So, we climbed up there again and unloaded everything and located that wallet and for the second time that day were ready to head back down to the valley.

Yet, I look back at these pictures and it becomes perfectly clear to me.  These are the times that we want our children to remember.  The place we spent time outside camping together.

A place when a father and his son worked together to put up a tent.

A place where we didn't get much sleep but, we were all close to each other and could hear the owls in the middle of the night.

A place where we got really dirty, ate junk food, and roasted marshmallows.

Where we went for long walks and made our own toys.

Where we found rocks to climb on and little sister had to join us also.

A place where you can find a lawn chair to snuggle up in with your Butty and sleep the afternoon away.

Memories of all the chaos fade and all I can remember is the good time we had.  I'm almost ready to give camping another shot.  Almost.....maybe next year. 

Double Digits

Gabriel turned 10 years old.    Gabriel at age 10 is a pretty amazing young man.   He is full of more life and energy then can easily be expressed here.   He is constantly in motion.   If he is not telling one of his famous "Gabe stories", he is singing, whistling, playing his recorder or making some other sort of noise.  He always has a ball in his hands.  Baseball, football, basketball...anything that he can throw.   More often then not either myself or Bryan is telling him to BE QUIET.  "Gabe, be quiet".  "Gabe, stop throwing that ball".  "Gabe, STOP THAT".

Every morning he wakes up early.   He is always the first one up.   He was just born that way (very unlike his mother or father).   He doesn't seem to mind that he usually has to entertain himself until everyone else decides to wake up at an hour that is much more reasonable.

Gabriel is a true leader and thrives on helping people or bossing them around whichever way you look at it.   He loves showing people how to do things and is usually telling his brothers where to go and what to do.  When playing a game, he loves organizing and telling everyone their positions.   He is also a very good coach, always teaching his brother the proper way to throw a baseball or football.

Gabriel is so very smart.   He can read something once and remember it forever.   School comes easy to Gabriel and when he feels confident he excels at everything he does.   Yet, he also has a part of him that struggles with authority and the whole structure of school.   It never fails, before he can show his true potential he has to test every boundary, every teacher, every classroom.   For the past several years, most of his grades were failing before he brought them back up to A's and B's.   It used to frustrate me but now I just take everything away that he loves and he then he starts to work hard and bring his grades back up.

Gabriel is kind and sweet.  He loves his little brothers and sister and always amazes me with his thoughtfulness.   He rose extra early on Grace's birthday and came in my room to tell me that he wanted to make her a birthday present.   He said he wanted to learn to sew on a button so he could make her another "butty" (her banket that she loves that has buttons in it).   He cut out material and with some help sewed three buttons on it for his little sister.   Then, he got out a some paper and made her a card with buttons all over it and he laid it all out on the table for her before she got up.   Oh such sweetness!

Gabriel is always the one reminding me of what is really important.   When I am upset he is always the one to put things into perspective for me.   Just the other day as we were praying for Amaya he reminded me that we should be thanking God for shrinking her tumor.  He said "Mom, her tumor is going to be gone so just say thank you".   Yep, Gabe....you are so right.   Just be thankful!  He was given a biblical name after Gabriel, the angel.  Gabriel is a messenger for God, appearing to Mary and other people in the bible.   Gabriel is my messenger.   My first born.  My son.

Gabriel is an awsome baseball player.   He plays 1st base for his team, The Tigers.   He is loyal to his coaches and teammates and works very hard at every practice and every game.   He is very proud of his accomplishments and never complains about all the practices and games.  When he doesn't perform well or makes a mistake he always takes it so hard.   I love to watch my son play baseball.   He is out there giving it his whole heart and living in the moment.   He is doing something he loves and working hard at the same time.

My son is pretty amazing.    Double digits already.   So proud of him!

He also loves to design and make birthday cakes.  This year he wanted a Pokemon cake.   So here it is.  A big Pokeball.

Here are some pictures of the 10th birthday party.   He got an Xbox for his birthday and loves to play on it with his friends.    There were 4 friends, a pool party, pizza, and a slumber party.   What more could a 10 year old ask for?

Happy Birthday, Gabe!

A day in August

August 19th.   Today was a good day.  A day filled with rain and cool weather.

A birthday cake that needs baked.

A sweet almost two year old prancing around the living room showing off for her brothers.

 A recorder that never stopped whistling.  

A little game of Sneaky Squirrel

The cooking.  I loved being in the kitchen today.  Making nutritious things for my family.

Just the little things that are so easily forgotten.  A blessed day not to be forgotten.

Committment

Silence for two months.   I miss this space.  A space where I see my life.  The pieces that I post here are so cherished.
 
Several times over the past two months I sat down to write.   I starred at the computer screen and laughed at myself.   I couldn't bring myself to find words.  I shook my head in disgust and pushed the off switch on the computer.  No words would come, only prayers.  Silent prayers filled with fear and faith.  Prayers with tears streaming down my face.  Prayers with anger and pity.   Prayers that wouldn't come but were provided by my friends.

I am not the same person that I was two months ago and I couldn't find the words to explain this.   I still can't.   I can only say that these two words have changed my life forever.  Brain Tumor.  These two words and what they mean have made everything different.  Everything....just everything.

It still is.   Yet, life has gone on and I am back in Arizona.  As I was checking facebook tonight, I thought about writing.  I thought about this space and it felt OK to write.   It felt good and familiar.  So, here I am.

I have so much to share.  So much to say yet I can't say it now.   The words are to jumbled in my head.   There is only one thing that I know for sure. 

God loves Amaya.  He heard every single one of our prayers and he has answered them.   That damn tumor is shrinking because it is His will.   He is doing miracles through her and he wants the whole world to see.   My 12 year old niece is amazing.  Beyond what any words here can express.  She is full of God's grace.  She is loved.  She is being healed.   We are all being healed.   Every single one of us is walking with her and watching her and in awe of her.   I will never stop praising God for the blessings he has given to her and our family.  Blessings beyond anything I have ever imagined.

As God heals Amaya, he is healing us all.  Each in our own way. 

We all love more.   We cry more and hug a little harder.  We cherish each moment we have with each other.   Nothing else matters but, love.  The love we have for each other.  The time we spend together.  Walking on this journey with each other.

As Amaya continues to receive radiation treatments and I return home to Arizona it occurred to me that this writing thing is important.   It's important to write all this down.  To remember it.  All of it.  The fear and the anger and the love and the trust.   Even if I don't want to write....I need to write.  

In church on Sunday, the pastor spoke about commitment.  Making commitments can change our lives because it changes the way we live.  We live by our priorities and what we think is important.   Tonight I am making the commitment to write.  To write my story, whatever that story is.  To tell it with authenticity and love and truthfulness.   Not for an audience but, for myself.  For my family.  To be able to have a place to hold my memories of who we were and this journey that we are on.

A commitment to never forget the blessings that God has given me today.

1.  A beautiful 12 year old niece who got to go see Bruno Mars last night.
2.  4 beautiful children to take to the library.
3.  A car full of camping equipment waiting to be unloaded.
4.  Geography homework, times tables, and addition facts.
5.  An early morning swim this morning with friends.
6.  A phone call with my sister, my mom and my dad.
7.  Palm trees and desert heat.
 8. This space where I have returned.  This commitment that I have made and the blessing that it is.

Routine

 Such sweetness.   Sometimes at moments like this you really think you have this parenting job all figured out.    Oh, I'm so glad that I caught this on camera!

Our mornings have started to settle into a nice routine.   We walk the boys outside to leave for school and then spend some time riding bikes and playing in the driveway.   This particular morning we shared a sucker.  And, Gracie no longer runs after the boys screaming for them to come back.

After some time outside, it's time to head inside.   Gracie's favorite thing in the whole world are her books.  She takes each one off the shelf to read throws it down and grabs another.   She is never satisfied until most of them completely surround her.

Eli doesn't prefer books.   Yet he can find toys to play with.  Studying things for hours.  Figuring out how it works.

These two grow closer every morning.  Sharing time and toys together while the boys are at school.

First Day

The first day of school came fast and furious as we raced home from Wyoming to start the new school year.    

We have a 4th grader, a 2nd grader, and a Preschooler in the house.

As we stood outside getting ready to leave for the first day, I couldn't help thinking about the first day last year.  How scared and unsure we all were.   Our first day in a new school. A mother's heart will never forget those big tears that fell down Owen's cheeks as he waved goodbye to me.

 This year there was no tears from the boys, they were excited to get back to school.  It is all such a good reminder to me that time changes everything.  

The tears came from a devistated little sister.   She didn't know where in the world her brothers were going and why she couldn't go also.   She cried and cried and even ran down the street after them screaming "Owie, Owie".

I am just so proud of these boys.   They are each so amazing and my heart is just full thinking about how they will change the world.

6 cousins

As I reflect back over the summer this is the picture that I want to remember.  A summer when 6 cousins were together.   A summer that was unexpected and challenging.   Yet, we were together. 

It didn't matter what the Dr.s were saying....we didn't miss a beat.   We just spent everyday together and did all the things that we normally would.   Instead of being in Sheridan, we were in Denver.  We took each day as it came even as we were rocked to the core.

The Cooks moved to Denver and we just followed along when we could.    We made it fun.   We visited places and saw new things.   We never once complained.   We didn't get bitter and play the "unfair" or "blame" card.  

I just want to remember this summer.   The summer of bravery and togetherness.   The days of Amaya's radiation treatments.   A blessed time in every way.