11 years old

Gabriel's birthday fell on a Sunday this year.  11 years old.   5th grade. A handsome, smart, energized young man.   He is my first and so very special to me in so many ways.   He is growing up and proving to be a smart, kindhearted, loving young man.  

I had a very special surprise planned for him this year.   Something that would last longer then a gadget or toy.  Something he could remember always.  A visit from Grammy and Jackson!

Plans were made to have Grammy and Jackson come the weekend of his party. Because a weekend spent with cousin Jack is better then any gift in the world. 

The day off their arrival, Owen was home sick.  I informed him he would have to come to the airport with me to get a box for his daddy's work. Boy, he groaned and cried and complained.  He didn't want to go all the way to the airport. We loaded in the car anyway and away we went.  When we arrived I told him to get out and help me with the box.  And instead of a box it was Jack.  He was so excited. 

All the way home the boys planned their surprise for Gabe.  They would hide in the guest room and surprise hm as soon as he got home from school.   Gabriel couldn't believe his cousin had come all that way.  He loved it!

Friday night was his party.   Destiny cake was baked and 5 boys arrived for a pool party and a sleep over. It was time to get a little rowdy and stay up all night. 

We had such a good time.  Happy 11th birthday, Gabriel. 

Home

My legs ache as we pull into the driveway at 12:30 pm.   I push open the car door into our overgrown Palo Verde tree in the driveway.  As I take a deep breath, the heat fills my lungs and I know that I am home.   Home after a 17 hour car ride with 4 children.  Our Traverse even seems to take a deep breath after all those miles driven, piled high with bags and our Wyoming beef strapped onto the back.   We make our way into the house and crawl into our beds.   Home at last.

It seems hotter than usual, so we spend all of Sunday in the pool.   Coming inside to make a quick meal and back into the water where it is cool and we can be together.   It feels so good to be here in this beautiful place.  All together.  A place we have created together and call our home.

I soon realize that it wasn't just me that felt hot.   It was hot.  Extremely hot (111 degrees hot) and our air conditioning wasn't working.   That explains why we seemed so miserable.   And thank goodness for air conditioning repair men.  Those men who can make our life much more bearable.

Daddy had to go back to work on Monday and as the kids and I finished breakfast reality hit us.   We had the whole day stretched out in front of us.   There were no cousins to play with.   No Grammy's and Grandma's to make us dinner.  No more Wyoming summer left.   It's always an adjustment.  Adjusting to our routine and what is expected of us at home.   The first day is always the hardest and at the end of the day I wanted to resign from my job as Mommy.   To resign and walk away.   And, I get to.  I get to go to bed and start again tomorrow.   The great thing about being a mom is that you can never really quit.   No matter how you felt the day before.   And the blessing of the next morning comes and the day before is a distant memory as you start again.

Tuesday brought friends and laughter and excitement.    It was so good to see everyone and play with our friends.   We missed them and they have become our family here.   Those hugs we received after being gone for 6 weeks were so welcomed today.   While the Mommy's were all hugging hello, the little girls preferred to crawl under the table, chew gum, and talk princesses.

As the heat rose, we came home and snuggled in for some reading time.  This was my favorite part of our day.    The part where my floor is covered in books and we are all sprawled out together turning pages and getting lost in a story.

As Gabe and Owen read to Grace I silently sat and watched them, feeling thankful.   Knowing that no matter what else was happing this moment was perfect.

The desert has called us home and we are so glad to be back.   We were so thankful that we got to spend so much time with our family in the mountains and we can't wait to go back next year yet we know this is where we need to be.   This place we call our home.

Just a Wednesday.

The normal everyday feels so good. It feels so good to be sitting poolside watching 4 kids swim around.  It's really not quiet and relaxing because I keep having to say.....Gabriel stop splashing. Gabriel if you do that again you will get out.  Eli stop screaming.  Owen help your sister.  Then each child has to get out to go potty. Then they have to look for their lost goggles.  Really it's anything but relaxing but it is our normal.  It is our day today. 

I had friends over today and as they left I worried that they wouldn't ever come back.  You know with all the screaming and the naked 2 year old that decided she wanted to take her clothes off.  I worried.....then I took a deep breath and decided that this is who we are right now.  No need to try and be someone else.  Maybe in 10 years you can come over to my house and enjoy a nice quiet cup of coffee.   Not today.  

The cooking soothed me.  I made dinner. I tried something new.  Cauliflower rice. It was amazing and all the kids except Eli ate it.    I love it when something like that works.  Such satisfaction to know my kids are eating healthy.  This to me means pure happiness. 

Best part of the day.  Playing crazy 8's with Owen. We laughed and had to play 3 times until he won.   

Our day was full of friends and family togetherness. Games and laundry.  So very blessed on a hot Arizona summer day. 

Fathers Day Denver Style

Our first stop was Denver where we would meet up with Grandma and Pop before Pop's surgery.  We spent the weekend together before Megan and the girls arrived for Pop's surgery.

It was Father's Day and we headed to the Musuem of Natural History for a Imax Movie on Dinosaurs.

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And we ended the afternoon with Dinner at Toby Kieth's bar.  Nothing like a fried bologna sandwich for Father's Day.

Summertime in wyomng

The kind of heat that burns your lungs when you take a breath and scorches your feet when you walk down the driveway to take the garbage out.   The heat of the desert is unexplainable until you live here in it.   It is truly like God opens an oven door and refuses to shut it.

When my temperature gauge reads 111 degrees, I know it is time to pack the kids up and head to Wyoming.   To green grass, mountains, and cool summer nights.  We all look forward to our summer trip to Wyoming.

As Byran and I drive across the Rocky Mountains and our temperature gauge starts to drop, I start to feel at home.    These are some of our first glimpses of the Colorado Mountains.   And as we drove past them I take a deep breath of cool air and thankfulness fills my heart.

We are so very blessed to be able to spend so much time in Wyoming with our families and we couldn't wait to start our summer!

Hard

My day has been hard and as I sit here in the quiet, even this is hard.     This time of my day is not usually hard.  This is my easy time,  the time that I cherish so very much.  The time between the brushing of four children's teeth and falling asleep.  Quiet time that is mine.   No one is asking for another drink or needs me to kiss their knee when they fall down.   No one is screaming "mommy" while I'm trying to hide in the bathroom (yep that happened today). 

This kind of hard is impossible to escape.   I can't turn on my favorite TV show with a bag of chocolate and feel better.    I can't lay in a hot bath and soak all my troubles away.  I can't scroll through Facebook looking at all the pictures.  None of it is a distraction.

That's OK.   It's really OK.   I know there are hard days.   Hard moments.  Hard seconds.   I have been learning about hard.  Walking with it.  Sitting with it.  Laying in it.   It's just that I'm a little bit tired of it and overwhelmed by it.   I am overwhelmed by it because it has changed me.

I have changed so much that I can't even do the things that I once loved.  One of my favorite things used to be sitting down at this computer and writing.   I would write about my day.  I would write about the kids and this beautiful life we have.   I made collages of pictures from our days so I would remember each moment.  It was my creativity, my passion, my joy.

I stopped writing about 18 months ago.   I do try.  I make a valient effort to make the words come.   Yet, the joy is gone and so are the words.

You see.....life became hard and then I became hard.    I can't open up my heart long enough to let the words flow because I'm afraid.   The fear paralyzes me.  The fear that when I start to open up.....I'm not quite sure what will fall out.  I can't seem to break down those walls of vulnerability that I used to have when everything was easy and happy.

The hard.  The fear.   I want to write it down now.   I want to give it a voice and stop pretending like it doesn't exist.   It exists and it is life changing.

My 13 year old niece who I love more than anything in the world has a brain tumor.    The pain of that is beyond any words that can be written and what is left is fear and unfairness and sadness and anger.   As each day goes by that fear and pain doesn' go away.   It catches in my throat and I can't seem to get passed it.   Yet, it felt manageable until my dad called me 2 weeks ago and said "colon cancer".    The fear and the hard just got a little bigger.  The light and hope that was there is slowly getting darker and darker.

Tonight, in all this hard there is only one thing that is certain.   There is only one reason I am here writing.  My faith.   My faith in the goodness of my Creator.  His light isn't as bright these days but it hasn't disappeared.   He hasn't left and the only thing that I do know is that He will never leave.    I may have lost my faith in joy and peace for today but I know that someday they will return.    In time, that will even return.

Tonight I can sit here in the dark quiet of my house and just cry.   I can cry for the girl who is changed, for the joy that has disappeared, for the hardness and fear. I can look up at that dim light and trust that it will always be there when I need it.  I can trust that all this hard won't change me so much that all is left is bitterness.   I can trust in brighter days, days when I can again write and when I won't let the fear paralyze me.   This is enough to sustain me, this gives me the strength to wake up tomorrow and continue even though it is hard.   I also know that it is in the tiny bits of gratitude that the light will get brighter and that is what I really need.  So, here goes.....

Today, I am thankful for:

A group of mom's who sat around a table at lunch and shared their lives with me.
A two year old who cuddled with me while she sucked her thumb and held her "butty".
A 10 year old who amazed me with his yo yo tricks.
A husband who gets to travel and see old friends.
A 5 year old who loves music and plays it all day
My high heeled shoes that I got to wear today.  Those ones that make me feel beautiful.
A smile from an 8 year old whose teeth are just now starting to grow in.
A long conversation with my mom who I miss so much.
An email with a dear friend who helps me through my health journey.

Desert walks

When I think about my mom I think of trees and flowers and walks with her dogs.   I can see her walking beside the river behind her house, surrounded by the The Big Horn Mountains.  This is where she is happiest.  I was so lucky this winter because she came to the desert and stayed for a few months.  And, it turns out she also loves the cactus, desert flowers, and Arizona sunset.    I miss you mom and I can't wait to see you and meet your new little dog, Grace!