Committment

Silence for two months.   I miss this space.  A space where I see my life.  The pieces that I post here are so cherished.
 
Several times over the past two months I sat down to write.   I starred at the computer screen and laughed at myself.   I couldn't bring myself to find words.  I shook my head in disgust and pushed the off switch on the computer.  No words would come, only prayers.  Silent prayers filled with fear and faith.  Prayers with tears streaming down my face.  Prayers with anger and pity.   Prayers that wouldn't come but were provided by my friends.

I am not the same person that I was two months ago and I couldn't find the words to explain this.   I still can't.   I can only say that these two words have changed my life forever.  Brain Tumor.  These two words and what they mean have made everything different.  Everything....just everything.

It still is.   Yet, life has gone on and I am back in Arizona.  As I was checking facebook tonight, I thought about writing.  I thought about this space and it felt OK to write.   It felt good and familiar.  So, here I am.

I have so much to share.  So much to say yet I can't say it now.   The words are to jumbled in my head.   There is only one thing that I know for sure. 

God loves Amaya.  He heard every single one of our prayers and he has answered them.   That damn tumor is shrinking because it is His will.   He is doing miracles through her and he wants the whole world to see.   My 12 year old niece is amazing.  Beyond what any words here can express.  She is full of God's grace.  She is loved.  She is being healed.   We are all being healed.   Every single one of us is walking with her and watching her and in awe of her.   I will never stop praising God for the blessings he has given to her and our family.  Blessings beyond anything I have ever imagined.

As God heals Amaya, he is healing us all.  Each in our own way. 

We all love more.   We cry more and hug a little harder.  We cherish each moment we have with each other.   Nothing else matters but, love.  The love we have for each other.  The time we spend together.  Walking on this journey with each other.

As Amaya continues to receive radiation treatments and I return home to Arizona it occurred to me that this writing thing is important.   It's important to write all this down.  To remember it.  All of it.  The fear and the anger and the love and the trust.   Even if I don't want to write....I need to write.  

In church on Sunday, the pastor spoke about commitment.  Making commitments can change our lives because it changes the way we live.  We live by our priorities and what we think is important.   Tonight I am making the commitment to write.  To write my story, whatever that story is.  To tell it with authenticity and love and truthfulness.   Not for an audience but, for myself.  For my family.  To be able to have a place to hold my memories of who we were and this journey that we are on.

A commitment to never forget the blessings that God has given me today.

1.  A beautiful 12 year old niece who got to go see Bruno Mars last night.
2.  4 beautiful children to take to the library.
3.  A car full of camping equipment waiting to be unloaded.
4.  Geography homework, times tables, and addition facts.
5.  An early morning swim this morning with friends.
6.  A phone call with my sister, my mom and my dad.
7.  Palm trees and desert heat.
 8. This space where I have returned.  This commitment that I have made and the blessing that it is.

Routine

 Such sweetness.   Sometimes at moments like this you really think you have this parenting job all figured out.    Oh, I'm so glad that I caught this on camera!

Our mornings have started to settle into a nice routine.   We walk the boys outside to leave for school and then spend some time riding bikes and playing in the driveway.   This particular morning we shared a sucker.  And, Gracie no longer runs after the boys screaming for them to come back.

After some time outside, it's time to head inside.   Gracie's favorite thing in the whole world are her books.  She takes each one off the shelf to read throws it down and grabs another.   She is never satisfied until most of them completely surround her.

Eli doesn't prefer books.   Yet he can find toys to play with.  Studying things for hours.  Figuring out how it works.

These two grow closer every morning.  Sharing time and toys together while the boys are at school.

First Day

The first day of school came fast and furious as we raced home from Wyoming to start the new school year.    

We have a 4th grader, a 2nd grader, and a Preschooler in the house.

As we stood outside getting ready to leave for the first day, I couldn't help thinking about the first day last year.  How scared and unsure we all were.   Our first day in a new school. A mother's heart will never forget those big tears that fell down Owen's cheeks as he waved goodbye to me.

 This year there was no tears from the boys, they were excited to get back to school.  It is all such a good reminder to me that time changes everything.  

The tears came from a devistated little sister.   She didn't know where in the world her brothers were going and why she couldn't go also.   She cried and cried and even ran down the street after them screaming "Owie, Owie".

I am just so proud of these boys.   They are each so amazing and my heart is just full thinking about how they will change the world.

6 cousins

As I reflect back over the summer this is the picture that I want to remember.  A summer when 6 cousins were together.   A summer that was unexpected and challenging.   Yet, we were together. 

It didn't matter what the Dr.s were saying....we didn't miss a beat.   We just spent everyday together and did all the things that we normally would.   Instead of being in Sheridan, we were in Denver.  We took each day as it came even as we were rocked to the core.

The Cooks moved to Denver and we just followed along when we could.    We made it fun.   We visited places and saw new things.   We never once complained.   We didn't get bitter and play the "unfair" or "blame" card.  

I just want to remember this summer.   The summer of bravery and togetherness.   The days of Amaya's radiation treatments.   A blessed time in every way.

The Perfect Spot

There is a beautiful park in Story, Wyoming.  This park is actually a little like heaven.   It has everything we need to have a perfect afternoon.   A perfect place for our annual baseball game.

We have made this an annual event and this year Uncle Brett, Aunt Cindy, and Jackson were able to come.

A little swimming

There was this day, a Saturday, towards the end of August.   A day when we over scheduled, over committed, and played until we were so tired that we couldn't do one more thing.  We had to fit in everything before our summer in Wyoming ended....and we did.

There is a beautiful ranch in Big Horn where Grammy Linda works.   A place tucked away in the mountains with a big swimming pool.   A beautiful pool that we had all to ourselves.    It was the best time.  Cousins and friends.  Splashing and screaming all the way to the bottom of the waterside.  Unforgettable in every way.

Colorado

The Cooks were getting settled in Denver.  Bryan was working out of Denver for the summer.  So, Denver was where we needed to be.  We packed up the Traverse again and headed to Colorado to spend a week in the big city.

After arriving in Denver and spending a couple of days between the hotel and Carrie's small house, we knew we needed something different.   Amaya had a few days off from her treatments and we needed a change.   

We found a beautiful house in the mountains (Granby) that just happened to be vacant and we booked it.   The Cooks and the Dahls loaded back into the car and headed where it was a little cooler and a lot less crowded.

The blessings of those days stayed with us for weeks.   It was a very special time and none of us will forget that amazing weekend.  

The house was beautiful and the kids favorite thing to do was to be outside swinging a few clubs.  The views were unbeatable as we watched the kids....just be kids.

The next morning we woke up early and the boys (and Amaya) headed off to the river for some fly fishing.   The girls (and Eli) headed up the mountain for a beautiful hike.

I will never forget standing on the top of that hill with Amaya, Megan, Addy, and Eli.  We sat up there overlooking the whole world and sang my favorite song.  "I'm on top of the world...Hey, I'm on top of the world ...Hey.   It still brings a smile to my face.

If you ask Owen and Amaya what their favorite part of the trip was...they would say "the golfing".  They loved golfing with their Dads.   And, Amaya especially loved driving the golf cart.

This weekend was just what we needed and while nobody wanted to go back to Denver, we were so lucky to spend time together in a special place called Granby.