Heart of a Child

 How long has it been

since you laid in the warm grass

Just for a closer look

For a deep breath of fresh air

For a feeling of open space

Absent of noise

How long has it been 

since you leaned in real close to watch an ant

To dig your fingers in the sand

and study each grain

For the feel of the soft dirt underneath your nails

How long has it been 

since you watched a river

Listening as it babbles, telling you a story

Throwing a stick and watching it disappear

on it's way to the ocean

 How long has it been 

since you played Tom Saywer and Huck Finn

Imagining your escape down the river

Building yourself a fort and fishing with a stick

Not a care in the world

How long has it been

since you ran with wind 

Using your coat for a sail

no destination

Just listening to the pounding of each footstep 

as you go

How long has it been

since you tested your bravery

one step at a time 

while your heart beats madly

not really sure if you can make it

to the other side

 

 How long has it been

since you've felt the elation

of reaching your destination

 smiling and

turning around to encourage your little brother

who hasn't quite made it yet 

How long has it been

since you had the heart of a child?

A Kindergartner

During his first days of Preschool, Owen was very quiet and tentative.  He kept to himself and watched Ms. Denise and the other kids very, very closely.  Not sure if he wanted to be part of this thing called Pre Kindegarden.  For weeks, Owen just watched.  And, it was a slow progression, but slowly Owen started to participate with the other kids.

Then the day came when Ms. Denise pulled me aside after school.  She quietly told me that Owen misbehaved in class and had to have "his card turned".   He was being a little "wild" she told me and wouldn't listen when I asked him to stop.  I looked at her and a little smile crossed my face, then I laughed.  She laughed also and we gave each other a high five.  Now, we knew Owen had gained his confidence and would excel in preschool.

And, he did.  Owen started loving his little classroom and all the kids.  Owen started learning to write all his name and all his letters.  Owen started to play and learn and grow.   Owen is now ready for Kindergarten.

His graduation ceremony was very special.  We invited his best friend, Jake, and his mom to join us in the celebration.  After Owen received his certificate everyone ran to the cafeteria for punch and cake.  This was his favorite part!

Owen also made a very special friend in Pre school.  He looked forward to playing with his friend, Jax, everyday.  In fact, Ms. Denise told me that they were inseparable most of the time.  At the beginning of the year they sat together at the "green" table.  Very soon after Christmas it was decided that Owen would be moved to the "yellow" table.  This didn't seem to stop those two from being together.  They would just yell across the room to each other or try and change tables with no one noticing.

So, here his is.  My new little Kindergartner.  I am so proud of him and all he has accomplished this year.

Black Fog

Keeping things in perspective is really hard today.   This depression has creeped up on me.  The depression that has come with each pregnancy.  It feels like a black fog that covers my eyes and doesn't allow me to see things the way they really are.  Because all I see is the fog.   A blackness that pulls me down.

As I looked back at these pictures that I took today, I couldn't believe it was the same place that my feet traveled.  My eyes didn't see what my camera captured.  I was elsewhere, going through the motions.  You see, my mind was running it's anxious circles.  Chores that needed done, calls that needed made, thinking, I really don't have time for this walk today.  All I could focus on was that black fog that causes me so much anxiety and pain.

My impatience over riding everything, not allowing me to enjoy these moments.  My regret at having yelled at my kids the night before.  My guilt because I'm barely holding things together.  Barely keeping my tears inside the brims of my eyes.  Barely, smiling when I meet someone on the street.  Barely, able to hold myself together.  Trying to be strong, trying to rise above all these emotions.

Eli stops and gets out of his stroller.  He wants to throw rocks in the lake.  I take a deep breath.  I don't want him to.  I don't want to be standing at this lake any longer.  I really don't want to be anywhere right now.  I'm still not seeing clearly and don't until I looked at this picture tonight.  These are things that usually make me smile and bring me so much joy.  My son, still in his pajamas because I couldn't muster up the energy to fight the battle when he refused to get dressed.  My son, holding the garage door opener because that is what he does.  He loves to carry it around with him just waiting for the excitment of opening the door when we return home.  I missed him, my precious two year old, and the beauty of the lake.  I never saw it.

Eli sees a pair of ducks and runs over to them.  He is so excited.  I follow him.    I remember taking these pictures and thinking how nice it would be to just swim away from it all.  Just swim and swim, not worrying about anything else.   My reality pulls me back in and I start focusing on what needs to be done.

We have to say "bye bye" to the ducks and head to car.  It's time to get Owen, make lunch, and throw in a load of laundry before we go get Gabriel from school.  There isn't enough time to do everything and my anxiety starts causing me panic.  So, I take one last look at the ducks and more then anything just want to swim away.

Changed

It's the most amazing thing to watch how much a child grows in one year.  To watch them mature and change into someone different.

It's also amazing how much life can change in one year.  Last year, we lived in a condo on a lake.  Over the past year we have moved into a home and the kids have made friends.  We have settled into our life here.  So different then last year.

Here is Gabriel for crazy hair day at his school last year.  Just a kindergartner.

 Here is my 1st grader....one year older and much changed on crazy hair day this year.

Best friends ready for school!  They have a fun day ahead of them because it was field day.  They were so excited!

The perfect mother

As I lay in my bed, hot, bitter tears stream down my face.  Tears for my day and this journey that I am on.  Tears that come so easily these days.  I look down at my growing belly and remember these emotions that overtake me during pregnancy.  These emotions that I can't control.

It's OK.  It feels good to allow this river of tears to fall freely.  And now, after a long day, I allow myself to cry.  The boys are snug in their beds, Bryan away on business. I have the house all to myself.

All I can think is, this is really hard.  This is impossibly hard.  Really, what did I accomplish today?  All I can see is the chaos of the day and nothing on my "to do" list is done.  I look around.  Laundry is piled beside my bed.  Toys strewn around my room. I imagine my kitchen.  Dishes undone, floors and counters are cluttered.  Frustration rises in my heart when I think about all that needs to be done.

A couple of deep breaths.  OK, what did I do today?

I close my eyes.  I can see the boys and I sitting on the couch together doing our bible study.  Reading our bible and talking about how to build our house on a strong foundation.  I remember their questions and really feeling connected to them as we talked about Jesus's words.

 I choose to do this instead of the dinner dishes.

I think back over the rest of my day.  I think about the morning, Eli and I spent together.  Sitting at the breakfast table together listening to Wiggles and singing along.  Then, our walk around the lake with Bridger.

I choose to do this instead of doing laundry. 

Pictures taken during our breakfast

The afternoon was spent at the food bank at my church, talking with people who called the church for emergency assistance.  I remembered their stories and hoped that I was able to help in some small way.

I choose to do this instead of cleaning up the house.

As my tears dry and I start to relax, I realize all the things that I accomplished.  They certainly weren't things on my "to do" list.  They were things that just happened because I allowed myself to do them instead of clean.  To spend time with my kiddos and give myself to the church for the afternoon.

This is why this task of mothering is so difficult.  It is impossible to keep up with everything and to be the mom and the women that I want to be.  I just can't do it all.  I can either have a clean house or I can spend my day with the people that I love.  The problem is that I want both.  I can't let go of the image of the "perfect mother" that does it all (in a dress and heels).  And, because I can't accept my limitations, I will continue to struggle with these frustrations.  These tears will continue to come and that's OK.   It just seems to be part of this journey that I am on.

Tomorrow, I will start my "to do" list.  Tomorrow, I will catch up with things around the house and have things again in order.  And, today I will sit and try to be satisfied with what was accomplished.

My mom

My mom.  My beautiful mom.  Nobody else has a mom as pretty as my mother.  With her gorgeous blond hair and slim figure, she is beautiful.  Always in stylish clothes, keeping up with the fashions she doesn't look like a mother.

But, it's not this that makes her so special.  It's her heart.  It's the love she shares with me and the rest of my family.

My mom, who stepped out of the pain of her childhood to love me.  She loved me as a newborn, who screamed for hours on end, not knowing what to do with me.  She loved me through the stubbornness of childhood.  And, she loved me as a rebellious teenager, who made every mistake in the book.

Only she knew how to love me.  She didn't ground me, yell at me, and micromanage me.  She loved me the way I needed to be loved and let me grow up.  She was always there and I always knew where to find her.  I was given the perfect mother.

She taught me to love nature....and nature walks.  She taught me to love trees and flowers and how to love a pet.  She talks me through things when I'm frustrated and at the end of my rope.  She worries and prays for me, only the way a mother can.  My mother who has become my friend.

Thank you mom, for all you have done for me.  For making me the person that I am today.  I have not always been easy to love and I reach out in thankfulness for you today.  For all you have done, and all that you are.  You are beautiful and I love you.

Unexpectedly

People come and go from our lives.  Some by choice and others not.  Seasons bring friends closer and seasons pull friends apart.  It's when someone is taken away unexpectedly, without warning that makes the pain a little more sharp.

What I wouldn't give to sit with my sweet, dear friend today.  My friend who gave me so much when she didn't have to.  She came over everyday, when I first moved.  She painted.  She moved furniture.  She hung pictures. She made the boys PB&J while I organized my kitchen. 

After all the moving, she would come over and we would pull out our lawn chairs and watch the boys circle around us on their bikes.  We sipped iced water and laughed about being the mother of boys.  She volunteered to watch the boys for me, which gave Bryan and I a chance to go out.   She adored Eli.  She held him even when he didn't want to be held.   She called him her monkey and eventually he warmed up to her and would run to her arms.  My friend, she gave me the one thing that I needed most, her time.

She was only a phone call away.

Today, I call on Jesus to tell her how much I loved her and will miss her.    I pray for the boys, who are left without a mother.   I pray for a husband, left without his wife.  And, I pray for myself, a friend wishing I could have one more afternoon to tell her how thankful I am for her friendship.  Wishing I would have known that our time was so short.  I would have said so much more to her.  I would have hugged her and held her a little to long.  I would have given her more of my time.

My tears flow easy and heavy today.  Tears for a friend that will be missed.  Tears for her family, for the boys who will grow up without their mother.   Nothing much brings comfort or stops the heartache.  I certainly cannot say "this was God's plan".  It doesn't feel like God's plan, at least not tonight.  Tonight I cannot understand why she is gone.  I only know that I do trust and that brings me comfort enough to dry the tears and get myself ready for bed.  

Gratitude rises in my heart.  Gratitude for my husband.  Gratitude for my boys.  For the past few days, I take nothing for granted.  Thankful for the messes.  Thankful for laundry.  Thankful for the dishes.  My friend has shown me the gift of time and how precious it is. Something that was taken from her.   And, as I climb into bed tonight, I understand that this was part of who she was....someone who always gave me herself and her time....she is doing it again, just not in the way I would have ever imagined.

Red Rocks Heaven

Right before Easter, Bryan asked me "Do you want to go to the sunrise service at Red Rocks?"  My eyes got really big and my heart skipped a beat.  A church service at Red Rocks?  This sounded like pure heaven to me.  I love to go to church and combine that with my favorite place to watch a concert and there was no doubt we would go.  "Yes, we have to go", was my only response.

I didn't forget that in order for us to go to the sunrise service we would have to rise at 4:00 and be out of the house at 4:45 with three little kids in tow.  It didn't detour me, I had my heart set on meeting God right there in the middle of Red Rocks with my family surrounding me.  The night before, I packed snacks, coats, hats, baby carrier and went to sleep with a smile on my face.

I am not going to lie.  Going to the service was not an easy chore.  Carrying a two year old up the mountain was not easy....Bryan sacrificed.  But, it was worth it and as we sat in our seats waiting for the sun to rise, I was so happy to be there in that place enjoying the moment.

After the service, we did a little hiking.  The flowers were blooming all around.  It was a beautiful day for a hike.  A beautiful day to celebrate Easter.

With three little boys and all our energy, I can't say it was relaxing.  I just love this next picture because this is what our hike really looked like. One brother tormenting another.   Yes, we were surrounded by beauty that is peaceful but, there is not much peace and quiet with our little ones around.

We embraced all of it as Bryan snapped a shot of me, looking on.

The view coming down from Red Rocks.

A tree that did not survive but, is surrounded by two others who may.  It seems like an impossible place to make a home but, so amazing.

I saved the best for last....  A picture of Bryan and I.  Thank you, Bryan, for making this day possible.  It is one I will always remember and cherish.

Dying is an art

Dying Easter eggs is an art.  Taken very seriously by my two oldest Dahl boys.

Owen dyed most of his eggs blue.....because that is his favorite color.

Gabe choose different colors but, kept testing them to make sure they were just the right shade.  He was very patient and would put them back in the dye to wait for just the right color.

Eli was not much help.....but he sure helped his dad downstairs with watching a little basketball.  The perfect place for a two year old with so much serious egg dying going on.