Fathers Day Denver Style

Our first stop was Denver where we would meet up with Grandma and Pop before Pop's surgery.  We spent the weekend together before Megan and the girls arrived for Pop's surgery.

It was Father's Day and we headed to the Musuem of Natural History for a Imax Movie on Dinosaurs.

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And we ended the afternoon with Dinner at Toby Kieth's bar.  Nothing like a fried bologna sandwich for Father's Day.

Summertime in wyomng

The kind of heat that burns your lungs when you take a breath and scorches your feet when you walk down the driveway to take the garbage out.   The heat of the desert is unexplainable until you live here in it.   It is truly like God opens an oven door and refuses to shut it.

When my temperature gauge reads 111 degrees, I know it is time to pack the kids up and head to Wyoming.   To green grass, mountains, and cool summer nights.  We all look forward to our summer trip to Wyoming.

As Byran and I drive across the Rocky Mountains and our temperature gauge starts to drop, I start to feel at home.    These are some of our first glimpses of the Colorado Mountains.   And as we drove past them I take a deep breath of cool air and thankfulness fills my heart.

We are so very blessed to be able to spend so much time in Wyoming with our families and we couldn't wait to start our summer!

Hard

My day has been hard and as I sit here in the quiet, even this is hard.     This time of my day is not usually hard.  This is my easy time,  the time that I cherish so very much.  The time between the brushing of four children's teeth and falling asleep.  Quiet time that is mine.   No one is asking for another drink or needs me to kiss their knee when they fall down.   No one is screaming "mommy" while I'm trying to hide in the bathroom (yep that happened today). 

This kind of hard is impossible to escape.   I can't turn on my favorite TV show with a bag of chocolate and feel better.    I can't lay in a hot bath and soak all my troubles away.  I can't scroll through Facebook looking at all the pictures.  None of it is a distraction.

That's OK.   It's really OK.   I know there are hard days.   Hard moments.  Hard seconds.   I have been learning about hard.  Walking with it.  Sitting with it.  Laying in it.   It's just that I'm a little bit tired of it and overwhelmed by it.   I am overwhelmed by it because it has changed me.

I have changed so much that I can't even do the things that I once loved.  One of my favorite things used to be sitting down at this computer and writing.   I would write about my day.  I would write about the kids and this beautiful life we have.   I made collages of pictures from our days so I would remember each moment.  It was my creativity, my passion, my joy.

I stopped writing about 18 months ago.   I do try.  I make a valient effort to make the words come.   Yet, the joy is gone and so are the words.

You see.....life became hard and then I became hard.    I can't open up my heart long enough to let the words flow because I'm afraid.   The fear paralyzes me.  The fear that when I start to open up.....I'm not quite sure what will fall out.  I can't seem to break down those walls of vulnerability that I used to have when everything was easy and happy.

The hard.  The fear.   I want to write it down now.   I want to give it a voice and stop pretending like it doesn't exist.   It exists and it is life changing.

My 13 year old niece who I love more than anything in the world has a brain tumor.    The pain of that is beyond any words that can be written and what is left is fear and unfairness and sadness and anger.   As each day goes by that fear and pain doesn' go away.   It catches in my throat and I can't seem to get passed it.   Yet, it felt manageable until my dad called me 2 weeks ago and said "colon cancer".    The fear and the hard just got a little bigger.  The light and hope that was there is slowly getting darker and darker.

Tonight, in all this hard there is only one thing that is certain.   There is only one reason I am here writing.  My faith.   My faith in the goodness of my Creator.  His light isn't as bright these days but it hasn't disappeared.   He hasn't left and the only thing that I do know is that He will never leave.    I may have lost my faith in joy and peace for today but I know that someday they will return.    In time, that will even return.

Tonight I can sit here in the dark quiet of my house and just cry.   I can cry for the girl who is changed, for the joy that has disappeared, for the hardness and fear. I can look up at that dim light and trust that it will always be there when I need it.  I can trust that all this hard won't change me so much that all is left is bitterness.   I can trust in brighter days, days when I can again write and when I won't let the fear paralyze me.   This is enough to sustain me, this gives me the strength to wake up tomorrow and continue even though it is hard.   I also know that it is in the tiny bits of gratitude that the light will get brighter and that is what I really need.  So, here goes.....

Today, I am thankful for:

A group of mom's who sat around a table at lunch and shared their lives with me.
A two year old who cuddled with me while she sucked her thumb and held her "butty".
A 10 year old who amazed me with his yo yo tricks.
A husband who gets to travel and see old friends.
A 5 year old who loves music and plays it all day
My high heeled shoes that I got to wear today.  Those ones that make me feel beautiful.
A smile from an 8 year old whose teeth are just now starting to grow in.
A long conversation with my mom who I miss so much.
An email with a dear friend who helps me through my health journey.