Silence for two months. I miss this space. A space where I see my life. The pieces that I post here are so cherished.
Several times over the past two months I sat down to write. I starred at the computer screen and laughed at myself. I couldn't bring myself to find words. I shook my head in disgust and pushed the off switch on the computer. No words would come, only prayers. Silent prayers filled with fear and faith. Prayers with tears streaming down my face. Prayers with anger and pity. Prayers that wouldn't come but were provided by my friends.
I am not the same person that I was two months ago and I couldn't find the words to explain this. I still can't. I can only say that these two words have changed my life forever. Brain Tumor. These two words and what they mean have made everything different. Everything....just everything.
It still is. Yet, life has gone on and I am back in Arizona. As I was checking facebook tonight, I thought about writing. I thought about this space and it felt OK to write. It felt good and familiar. So, here I am.
I have so much to share. So much to say yet I can't say it now. The words are to jumbled in my head. There is only one thing that I know for sure.
God loves Amaya. He heard every single one of our prayers and he has answered them. That damn tumor is shrinking because it is His will. He is doing miracles through her and he wants the whole world to see. My 12 year old niece is amazing. Beyond what any words here can express. She is full of God's grace. She is loved. She is being healed. We are all being healed. Every single one of us is walking with her and watching her and in awe of her. I will never stop praising God for the blessings he has given to her and our family. Blessings beyond anything I have ever imagined.
As God heals Amaya, he is healing us all. Each in our own way.
We all love more. We cry more and hug a little harder. We cherish each moment we have with each other. Nothing else matters but, love. The love we have for each other. The time we spend together. Walking on this journey with each other.
As Amaya continues to receive radiation treatments and I return home to Arizona it occurred to me that this writing thing is important. It's important to write all this down. To remember it. All of it. The fear and the anger and the love and the trust. Even if I don't want to write....I need to write.
In church on Sunday, the pastor spoke about commitment. Making commitments can change our lives because it changes the way we live. We live by our priorities and what we think is important. Tonight I am making the commitment to write. To write my story, whatever that story is. To tell it with authenticity and love and truthfulness. Not for an audience but, for myself. For my family. To be able to have a place to hold my memories of who we were and this journey that we are on.
A commitment to never forget the blessings that God has given me today.
1. A beautiful 12 year old niece who got to go see Bruno Mars last night.
2. 4 beautiful children to take to the library.
3. A car full of camping equipment waiting to be unloaded.
4. Geography homework, times tables, and addition facts.
5. An early morning swim this morning with friends.
6. A phone call with my sister, my mom and my dad.
7. Palm trees and desert heat.
8. This space where I have returned. This commitment that I have made and the blessing that it is.
Several times over the past two months I sat down to write. I starred at the computer screen and laughed at myself. I couldn't bring myself to find words. I shook my head in disgust and pushed the off switch on the computer. No words would come, only prayers. Silent prayers filled with fear and faith. Prayers with tears streaming down my face. Prayers with anger and pity. Prayers that wouldn't come but were provided by my friends.
I am not the same person that I was two months ago and I couldn't find the words to explain this. I still can't. I can only say that these two words have changed my life forever. Brain Tumor. These two words and what they mean have made everything different. Everything....just everything.
It still is. Yet, life has gone on and I am back in Arizona. As I was checking facebook tonight, I thought about writing. I thought about this space and it felt OK to write. It felt good and familiar. So, here I am.
I have so much to share. So much to say yet I can't say it now. The words are to jumbled in my head. There is only one thing that I know for sure.
God loves Amaya. He heard every single one of our prayers and he has answered them. That damn tumor is shrinking because it is His will. He is doing miracles through her and he wants the whole world to see. My 12 year old niece is amazing. Beyond what any words here can express. She is full of God's grace. She is loved. She is being healed. We are all being healed. Every single one of us is walking with her and watching her and in awe of her. I will never stop praising God for the blessings he has given to her and our family. Blessings beyond anything I have ever imagined.
As God heals Amaya, he is healing us all. Each in our own way.
We all love more. We cry more and hug a little harder. We cherish each moment we have with each other. Nothing else matters but, love. The love we have for each other. The time we spend together. Walking on this journey with each other.
As Amaya continues to receive radiation treatments and I return home to Arizona it occurred to me that this writing thing is important. It's important to write all this down. To remember it. All of it. The fear and the anger and the love and the trust. Even if I don't want to write....I need to write.
In church on Sunday, the pastor spoke about commitment. Making commitments can change our lives because it changes the way we live. We live by our priorities and what we think is important. Tonight I am making the commitment to write. To write my story, whatever that story is. To tell it with authenticity and love and truthfulness. Not for an audience but, for myself. For my family. To be able to have a place to hold my memories of who we were and this journey that we are on.
A commitment to never forget the blessings that God has given me today.
1. A beautiful 12 year old niece who got to go see Bruno Mars last night.
2. 4 beautiful children to take to the library.
3. A car full of camping equipment waiting to be unloaded.
4. Geography homework, times tables, and addition facts.
5. An early morning swim this morning with friends.
6. A phone call with my sister, my mom and my dad.
7. Palm trees and desert heat.
8. This space where I have returned. This commitment that I have made and the blessing that it is.
Hi, Kris. I love your heart. I am so glad for Amaya's improvement, and I love what you wrote about God's healing each of you in the way you need. I believe that, too, even though His ways are different than ours. Yes, Friend; let me encourage you in writing down His faithfulness. When my brother was at his worst, I wrote down things and forgot them. It was almost like, by writing them down, I gave myself permission to release them from conscious thought. It was such a painful time, and to a certain extent, I moved in a fog. Later, when I went back to my writing, I couldn't remember some of the details and facts at all, but there they were in black and white; the Lord's faithfulness at every turn could not be denied. It's interesting because...happier situation, but I cannot remember big hunks of my wedding day and am glad to have written some things down.
ReplyDeleteYou have encouraged me, this morning. I've felt overwhelmed, lately, and in my case it feels silly to blog our vacations and happiness when there is so much pain in the world. You remind me why I do this: to document...to capture moments for my children.
So much love to you.