You are turning 16. You are ready to become your own person. You have a few short years at home and then the world will be yours and you will make your own way. Everyday when I look at you, I can see that look in your eye. That look that longs for independence, freedom. Now. I promise you something....soon you will be ready. Soon you will be in the stage of your life were you aren’t home all the time and you are making your own life.
I need you to know how thankful I am that God choose me to be your mom. I have to admit there are days I have thought....I can’t do this or I have failed. There are days when I know I could have done better and helped you more. But, even on the hardest of hardest days, even when we fight, I have always been thankful that you are my son. I have never questioned why God gave us to each other. It’s because deep in my soul I know that He gave you to me. You test me. You grow me. You make me crazy on days. These are all lessons I need to learn. God sent you to me and your Dad to teach us so many things about ourselves. Some days I listen and I know but most days I just become angry. It’s those few days of clarity where I thank your soul...from the bottom of my heart for sending you to me. There is purpose for it all and as we go through each day there is only one thing. I love you. Nothing. Nobody. Not a fight. Not a bad choice. Not separation or distance can change that pure, simple love. I respect you. I respect the soul inside you that God choose to give to your dad and me. You are my messenger. Just as the angel, Gabriel, was God’s messenger. I can promise you today and for all eternity it that your our love for you runs deep.
When I was 16, I needed so badly to have guidance. Someone to tell me right from wrong. I didn’t have that person in my life. I truly didn’t even understand to look for that person. I had to figure out right from wrong for myself. I stumbled through my life making every bad decision. I learned slowly and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here without God providing me with your Dad and everything else I needed to heal myself. My life was forever changed the day I had you. I was 29. You changed my life in so many dramatic ways and if you don’t know that, I want to thank you. I stopped. I wanted to be better. I wanted to find myself under all the lies and bad choices. It wasn’t easy but you helped me understand true joy and where to search for who I was. As a little boy, you and I had hours and hours together. We would sit on our porch swing in Colorado and eat pop cycles together. I sang songs to you that healed my soul. Your dad made you a sand box in the backyard and we dug holes and made mud pies. We walked Bridger and spent time with our neighbors. You and me and your Dad were a team and did so many things together. It was precious time to me and I will always treasure it. You don’t remember that time but I want you to know and understand how much you healed me before your brothers and sister came along.
I also want you to know that I’m having a hard time letting you go. I suppose most moms have this feeling when they know it’s time for their sons to grow up. Even though I am having a hard time letting you go, I also want you to know that I honor and respect you and what your life will become. You are so smart. You are good at everything you put time and effort into. You are a born leader. Someday, you will use all the gifts God gave you and change the world.
I want to tell you a few things on your 16th birthday because I know in my life it was the year that I decided to make big changes in my life. I left my childhood friends and I surrounded myself with a life that I am so happy is in my past. More than anything, I wish I would have allowed someone to guide and lead me in another direction. Here are some things that I would have told my 16 year old self.
1. Who you choose to spend time with whether it be your friends or your girlfriend will shape you in ways in you don’t understand. You can do all the right things and surround yourself with people that will bring you down. Choose friends who are doing the things you WANT to become....even if you don’t feel good enough. Choose a girlfriend that brings out the best in you and makes you laugh. Someone who accepts you for who God made you to be. If you are constantly fighting with her.....walk away. There will be plenty of girls. Choose people who are fun and light heated and not filled with drama and gossip. Don’t spend time with anyone who brings you into their own drama. They will drain you.
2. Nurture your friendships with your brothers and Grace. Help them, love them, sacrifice for them. They will be your best friends for the rest of your life.
3. Study and learn about everything. It will take you to worlds unknown. Travel as much as you can and keep your mind open to all types a of people and how they live. There is a whole world out there and the worst thing a person can do is to put their life in one little box. No matter where you go, always know where home is. Be thankful for it even if it’s not a place....just people.
4. When you find something where you lose time and it brings you joy....this is your thing. Do that thing whatever it is. Even if no one else understands it. God will lead you to your purpose if you listen.
5. No matter where you are or who you are with or what you are doing....you can pray and ask for help. The answer will always be given to you. Find a place to meet God and don't’ go there because someone expects you to go there. You will know where that place is and you will be able to communicate and worship him in your own way.
6. Don’t give yourself away. If you freely give yourself to girls, drugs, controlling people, social media, video games, or anything else there won’t be much left for what truly matters.
7. Date lots of girls and don’t rush into anything. There is time to savor your relationships until you decide who is right. God protected me from so much heartache when he sent me your father. Don’t settle for someone just because you think there won’t be anyone else or your stuck in a rut. Who you marry is one of the most important decision you will every make and it is a beautiful part of life. God has the perfect person for you and you will know. It’s not always about emotion. Do they lift you up? Do they make you better? Do they love the same things as you? Do they give without taking? Do they love your friends and family? Can you be completely yourself around them?
8. God is always waiting for you. He never leaves you no matter what has happened. He just waits patiently for you to look his direction. He adores you. He loves you with a love we don’t understand. It’s called Agape love. You may need to look that up one day.
9. Don’t do things to please people all the time. Do them because they are good, kind, gentle, and full of truth. When your lost come back to why you know. The mountains, fishing, hunting, being with your dog, having family dinners, spending time with family, going on an adventure. It’s in those things you will find a place called home and things will make sense.
Lastly, don’t be afraid of life. Don’t sit around and wonder when something good will happen to you. The good things are out there waiting for you to find them. Ski down that black diamond, get up at 4:30 am in a blinding blizzard and sit on the point, fish in the rain, give your time to someone who needs it, forgive even if it feels impossible, love someone no one else loves, live in a really shitty rent house and be thankful for it. Share everything with your siblings even if it’s not fair. And lastly, I promise this time, always say your sorry even if you don’t feel like saying sorry. Miracles happen when you can bring yourself to this place.
I love you, son, and Happy Birthday.
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