Not so alone

This house feels to big tonight.  As I look up our high ceilings, they feel way to high.  I feel the air and it feels cold.  I wrap my arms around myself and shiver.  I look toward my children's rooms.  Their night light is on and I say a simple prayer for them.  A mother's prayer.  I take a deep breath.  Then, I pray for myself.  I tell God how alone I feel without Bryan.  How big this house feels, how big this city feels.  And, as I breath again.  There I said it.  It feels good to say exactly how I feel.  Only then does God start to take the burden off my heart.  I close my eyes and let his warmth soothe my soul.  I breath deeply.

I look around with new eyes.  I see books strewn on the couch.  Books we purchased tonight from the book store.  Mercer Mayer.  Juni B Jones.  The images of all three boys cuddling with me on the couch as I read, warms my heart.  God whispers, "you would have missed that moment if things would have been different".

My eyes drift into the kitchen.  Big popcorn bowls are still on the counter.  The measuring cup used to melt the butter still sits where I left it.  Popcorn lays strewn on the counter.  The images of three boys cuddled on the couch watching Wiggles and eating popcorn fill my head.  The moment where we jump up to dance to "Rock a Bye Your Bear" runs through my head.  Eli has the biggest smile on his face as his brothers show him how to do the actions to the song he loves so much.  I take another deep breath and start to feel joy creep into every cell in my body.

My house does feel empty without Bryan.  The responsibility of taking care of three little boys is more then I can do.  But, God reminds me of all the joy.  I COULD have missed this joy.  I COULD have continued feeling lonely but, I didn't.  I allowed God to take a hold of my heart.  And, in a few short breaths he opened my eyes.  He opened my eyes and helped me to see the afternoon he created for me and my precious boys.  I take a sigh of relief and then I start to get ready for bed.  Ready for tomorrow.