A GIFT

A gift of pink, tiny fingers and toes, strawberry blond hair. 

 I knew this gift was coming but, I didn't understand it with my heart.

So, each day over the past year, I unwrapped a little at a time.

My daughter.   There she is.   One year.

One year of long sleepless nights, aching bones, rocking and singing.  My desperate prayers floating to the Creator at all hours.  Each day running together as she tentatively rolled over, sat up, crawled, and walked.

 

Slowly, I have gotten to unwrap this gift God has sent to me.   Each day.  Each minute.  Each second.

My tiny daughter.

Who exudes truth.  God's good gift.

And, He contines to wait for me as I unwrap.   In His time.   This stubborn girl who at one time only thought of herself.   Who had a career and 2 children.  Having life under control and perfectly planned.

As each layer is unwrapped I catch a glimpse of His goodness.

And, the days are still long.  The nights sleepless.  But, He continues to whisper.   Trust.  Persevere.  Have courage.   And, I do.   With my little faith.   I do.

That promise of love and life.

It's all in those little fingers wrapped around mine and in each moment.

Trusting in this gift.  This tiny gift.    

Happy Birthday, Grace.   Happy Birthday sweet baby girl.

Our hole

A Hole has been dug. 

A dream of what is to come.

It will soon be something beautiful.

      First, it had to be uprooted, scooped out, and hauled away. 

Knowing nothing can replace what was there.   

The parts of our lives that have been upturned. 

  Yet, the walls stand.

Tall and strong.  

Reassuring me that it was all necessary. 

We stepped out in faith.  

Determined to make this place beautiful.  To live in it abundantly.  

Today, I can see that dream taking shape.

Because this hole in our backyard is a reminder of what is to come.

 

Up on two legs

No longer does Grace want to be a baby.   She doesn't want to be held and carried and cuddled.   She watches her brothers and wants to be like them.  She longs to be running after them instead of crawling on her hands and knees.

She has discovered that is she pushes her brother's car, she can stand up like the big kids.

I have never seen a little girl more excited!   

She just turns herself inside out as she takes those steps and starts walking!

Playtime

A lot of playtime going on around here.   Playtime that helps us learn and grow.   This picture is priceless.  One of those moments when it's quiet.    I'm in the kitchen making lunch and it's TOO QUIET.   I peek around the corner and catch them playing like this, quietly and together.   A plain miracle.   I grab my camera just to remember this moment!

It lasts just long enough for a picture and a couple of deep breaths.  Then, she is off.  Crawling, crawling, crawling.   Finding every little crumb she can possibly find to put into her mouth.   See those tiny specs on the floor.  Well, Grace does.

I convince her to pose for me.   I know nothing else in the world as cute as Grace's smile.  She can light up a room.   Make the grumpiest passenger in an airport smile, and just make my heart melt.

Time to find a new game.  

Trains and magnets will do.

Little ones concentrating so hard.  Little fingers pushing and pulling those trains.  Little engineers constructing new lines.

It's all in a day's work around here.

Comfort Food

Around here it's toast, apples slices, and cashews.   Most mornings, anyway.   This is breakfast before Gabe and Owen head off to school.   Nothing to fancy.   I am thankful for this simple meal every morning.

Things around here have settled into a simple routine.   No more change, no more upheaval.   Just breakfast before the boys grab their bikes and head out of the house for school in the morning.   Such a blessing.

And, Eli.  Eli with his curly straw and smurfs.   Two essentials that have became part of our day, everyday.

He goes nowhere without Brainey and Papa.  They are tightly clutched in his hands.   He never loses them and they have become part of him for comfort.

And, Grace.  She now has her highchair and makes full use of it.   She loves to eat and will eat anything!   Some of her favorites are avocados, peas, and green beans.   She is crazy for those green vegetables.  Such an easy baby to feed!

And isn't spegatti a simple pleasure in life.   Even at 10 months?

With our routine established it gives us a little time to be creative.   My boys LOVE to cook!   Grammy sent us a book with Halloween recipes and Owen wanted to make a spooky grave yard.   So much fun!

Good food.  Smiles and a little creative fun.    Such blessings after a time of much change.

ordinary

Writing tonight for 5 minutes.  No corrections, no additions.  Just writing.  Linking up with Lisa Jo Baker and 5 minute Friday.

Writing prompt:   Ordinary

Ordinary is black and white.   Ordinary is blurry, out of focus.   Ordinary is left overs the third night in a row.

My world, this world given to me by my Creator, is not ordinary.  The colors scream out at me.  Grace's strawberrry blond hair.  Owen's blue shirts.  Only blue.  He will only wear blue because it is his favorite color.   Gabe's purple journal he leaves on the counter every evening.   The yellow aspen tree picture I took in Grand Lake, Colorado.

My world, my view did not go blurry today.  Blurry is when I doubt myself and I can't see a purpose.   It's when I whisper those hateful words to myself and can't put one foot in front of the other.  "Your not patient"  "Your lazy" "You really messed that one up".  Staying in focus means that I have to repeat the good things to myself.  "You were wonderfully and beautifully made".  "You are a wonderful, beautiful child of God"  "You are loved".

The snapshot of my day today turned out full of color and focused and I am thankful.   I know that tomorrow might not be so clear but, I trust in each morning.  In each sunrise as a new day.  A day to start over.   What I learn from each day will carry me into the next.

I don't want ordinary.   I want extraordinary.   To stay in focus.   To see all the brilliant colors of my day.  

I want to hold the door for someone and see them smile.

I want to lift up my baby girl and kiss her big crocodile tears away.

I want to watch my son play football.  To be part of a team and run his heart out.

I want to lay on the couch with my husband and complain about my day.

I want to cook my son macaroni and cheese for the third time this week because it is the only thing he will eat.

Stop

7 day stretch

Today is the first day on my 7 day stretch without Bryan.  

5:30 am.    I laid in bed this morning listening to him put his pants, shirts, underware, and socks in his red carry on.   I listened as he wheeled it down our hallway.   I hate the sound of those wheels.   He knew I was awake listening to him.    He came back.  Whispered to me all the things that I needed to hear.    Encouraged me.     I told him how much I loved him and would miss him.  I continued to lay in bed as I listened to the garage door open and close.

I put my feet on the ground.   I prayed for strength.   I will need it and I depend on it.   This will take courage.  Courage to face the impossible tasks that I have before me. 

It takes courage because I am staring my greatest fear right in the face.   It's my fear of lonliness.   I am happiest and most comfortable when I am in a roomful of people that I know.   When I can walk into Walmart and know almost everyone else that is shopping.   When I can call together a group of girls for a "playdate".   A place where I know all my neighbors and my kids run in the streets playing late into the night.  A place where I can call my mom and she can come over and help me with the kids.

This morning, instead of feeling like I was at home where I am most comfortable, I felt like I was on a deserted island....with four little children.   As I heard those wheels going down the hall, I felt like my life boat just sunk.  For 7 days anyway.

When I am in a hard place, I always ask "Why"?   Why am I in this place?  This strange city with palm trees and lizards.  This place where I don't know a single soul and my family is 17 hours away.   

I know I won't have an answer.   Today, I can't see that far.   And, maybe I won't ever have the answer.   I just know that what I have been asked to do today, is to be courageous.  To stand up against my fear and do the impossible.  I do it out of love.   I do it for my husband.   For my children.   I do it because I know it is what I have been given.  

I get the two older boys off to school.   Lunches packed, homework done and signed, waterbottles filled.

I take Eli to the potty chair every 15 minutes today.   To sit with him patiently as he learns how to control his body.

I hold Grace as I cook lunch and dinner because she won't allow me to put her down.

I do three loads of laundry and unpack a few boxes.

I  walk to the park and watch the boys run while Grace squeals as I push her in the baby swing.

I tuck 4 kids in their beds after bible stories and prayers.

I am exhausted.  Exhausted but content.  Content knowing that what seemed impossible this morning, really wasn't that impossible.   I really didn't have so much to fear.   I really wasn't alone.   In fact, I don't remember one moment when I was alone today.   And, now I know that tomorrow will be easier.   The days will go by and soon my life boat will be back.  And, when it comes back, I will be stronger and more confident.   Ready to face my next deserted island....with no life boat.

beauty and the beach

Old Saybrook, CT is beautiful.   The ocean.   The Conneticut River.  The flowers.  The trees.   What a wonderful place to have a wedding.  What a wonderful place to visit!

To spend time at the beach.  To search for hermit crabs during low tide.   To make sand castles and swim in the ocean.

To spend time together as a family.

To run through the water without a care in the world.

To have these experiences is something that I will cherish.  To be able to spend time with Britt, Ashton, and Uncle Woody in a place they call their home brings me so much happiness.  To watch my kids get to experience the things that I did when I was little in this place.   It was a very special trip.