7 day stretch

Today is the first day on my 7 day stretch without Bryan.  

5:30 am.    I laid in bed this morning listening to him put his pants, shirts, underware, and socks in his red carry on.   I listened as he wheeled it down our hallway.   I hate the sound of those wheels.   He knew I was awake listening to him.    He came back.  Whispered to me all the things that I needed to hear.    Encouraged me.     I told him how much I loved him and would miss him.  I continued to lay in bed as I listened to the garage door open and close.

I put my feet on the ground.   I prayed for strength.   I will need it and I depend on it.   This will take courage.  Courage to face the impossible tasks that I have before me. 

It takes courage because I am staring my greatest fear right in the face.   It's my fear of lonliness.   I am happiest and most comfortable when I am in a roomful of people that I know.   When I can walk into Walmart and know almost everyone else that is shopping.   When I can call together a group of girls for a "playdate".   A place where I know all my neighbors and my kids run in the streets playing late into the night.  A place where I can call my mom and she can come over and help me with the kids.

This morning, instead of feeling like I was at home where I am most comfortable, I felt like I was on a deserted island....with four little children.   As I heard those wheels going down the hall, I felt like my life boat just sunk.  For 7 days anyway.

When I am in a hard place, I always ask "Why"?   Why am I in this place?  This strange city with palm trees and lizards.  This place where I don't know a single soul and my family is 17 hours away.   

I know I won't have an answer.   Today, I can't see that far.   And, maybe I won't ever have the answer.   I just know that what I have been asked to do today, is to be courageous.  To stand up against my fear and do the impossible.  I do it out of love.   I do it for my husband.   For my children.   I do it because I know it is what I have been given.  

I get the two older boys off to school.   Lunches packed, homework done and signed, waterbottles filled.

I take Eli to the potty chair every 15 minutes today.   To sit with him patiently as he learns how to control his body.

I hold Grace as I cook lunch and dinner because she won't allow me to put her down.

I do three loads of laundry and unpack a few boxes.

I  walk to the park and watch the boys run while Grace squeals as I push her in the baby swing.

I tuck 4 kids in their beds after bible stories and prayers.

I am exhausted.  Exhausted but content.  Content knowing that what seemed impossible this morning, really wasn't that impossible.   I really didn't have so much to fear.   I really wasn't alone.   In fact, I don't remember one moment when I was alone today.   And, now I know that tomorrow will be easier.   The days will go by and soon my life boat will be back.  And, when it comes back, I will be stronger and more confident.   Ready to face my next deserted island....with no life boat.