Down the drain

Something is on my heart.  Something is bothering me.  I can't put my finger on it.  I walk around
with it tugging at my heels and weighing me down.

For weeks I search, I listen, I get frustrated, knowing it needs to unravel itself.   Not being brave enough to search my heart and really find out what it is.  So, I avoid it.  I avoid it at all costs, thinking that it will go away.  Praying it away.

But, it steals my joy and it weighs heavy on my heart.

I tuck three little boys into bed and stand at the top of he stairs waiting to hear their quiet breathing....a sure sign that my day is complete.  I can have some time to myself....doing whatever it is that I want.  Usually, I choose to get out my journal, my bible.

Instead, I choose to walk down two flights of stairs to the television.  I am again running, avoiding, ignoring.  I flip and flip and as I watch other people's lives, and I realize how thankful I am for mine.

It's impossibly late and I walk back up the stairs and get ready for bed.  I turn to the bathtub and something deep in my soul stirs.  It asks me to lay in the quiet of a bath.  "It's to late" I tell myself.  "you have to get into bed".  But, I know this tugging at my soul, I know that I must listen even if it doesn't make any sense.

As I lay surrounded by hot water, a great release happens.  I start to talk to myself.  Afraid of what I will hear.  Afraid of what I will uncover.   I pull my head below the water....but, I can't hide.

It comes to me all in one sentence.  This heavy burden. 

I am afraid to be alone.   I am afraid to be by myself.   I am afraid that no one will notice me today. That I am invisible.  These words tumble out of my mouth and it feels so good to say them.

Tears stream down my face.  This burden I have been carrying around for weeks.   I take it and give it to God.  I let him have it.   And, take some deep breaths.   The first that have felt free in weeks.

I pull the drain and as the water slowly escapes down the drain pipe I allow my fear to go with it.   And, as I step onto the bath mat, I am covered in grace and a smile spreads across my face.