A hole of sickness

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a deep dark hole, you can't see your way out.  It's like you are to far at the bottom of it to see the light.  No matter how much you want to see the top, you just can't because it's to far away.  It's just impossible to find that joy and hope that came so easily when the sunlight was streaming on your face and warming your bones.

You hear all the voices in your head that say all he things you've heard over and over, "tomorrow will be better", "be patient, you will overcome", "tomorrow is a new day".  You stain to see the light but, again all you can see is blackness and you just close your eyes and more blackness comes.

Sickness always feels like this to me.  Whether it's a migraine headache or the flu.  I just can't find my strength and hope when I'm sick.  Everything good that comes with the warm sunlight is ripped away from me and, when I fall into that pit, I fall so deep that I can't see my way out.

As the blackness surrounds me, the rest of the world starts to fall apart.....and quickly.  The people that depend on me the most are fully aware that that I am in a dark pit somewhere.   They scrounge food wherever they can.  Owen eats cereal for every meal of the day, which seems like a treat to him because most of the time, cereal is only given on a limited basis.  My littlest seems to find his nutrition from goldfish swimming on the kitchen floor and my oldest tries his best to make a cheese sandwich in the microwave but, is only able to eat one bite before he abandons it on the kitchen counter.  And, the dishes pile up.  The laundry starts creeping from the bedroom into the front hall.  Dirty Kleenexes can be found in the couch and on every counter in the house.  The garbage starts to overtake the kitchen.  And, I know it will take days to clean up the mess that accumulates after a couple of sick days and it just makes my hole deeper and blacker.

I also resort to electronic entertainment for every waking hour (which normally strictly forbidden) while I am sick.  Anything that will entertain a small child is fair game as long as it allows me to lie on the couch and close my eyes for a few moments.  The guilt runs through me as my children watch cartoons for hours but, the sickness wins and the blackness prevents me from getting off the couch as I put on yet another cartoon.  I lay and pray for the light to return.

And, because of God's grace it does.  Each day as I get better, I see a little more light.  This light brings me back to life and I am so thankful for it.  For it's warmth, it's healing, and it's hope.  My prayer is that tomorrow, it will be even brighter and soon I can jump up out of this hole and walk away from it all together.   Shake my hands of this pain and blackness and walk straight ahead focusing on all the things that are important.  For now, I have to be patient.  I'm not ready to jump up running, yet.  But, I just know that when I do get better the first thing I will do is say prayer of thanks and then make my children and husband a healthy meal!