Changed

 A writing prompt from Emily Wierenga. 

What I am discovering about myself.

I am not the same person that gave birth to Grace 4 months ago.  I'm not even sure who that person is anymore.  It's always this way after the birth of a child.

I was big and round and confident.  I felt I could accomplish anything.  I longed to hold and rock my baby and vowed that I would never get tired.  Never get frustrated.  Never be as exhausted as I was the last three times.  I had it all under control....heck I had done it three times before.  The fourth would be different.  I was ready, organized, and determined.

My beautiful baby girl arrived.  I was no longer big and round and confident.  I was exhuasted, frustrated, and feeling overwelmed.  More now with the fourth then with the others.  The woman I was before Grace was no more.

Now, I am the mother of a beautiful baby girl.  She smiles at me and my heart melts.   As I change her diaper, feed her, nurse her....I change.  No longer the same woman.  Someone different.  Someone better.

Not better the way I wanted to be better.  I wanted my body back the way it was before Grace.  I wanted my energy back.  I wanted my house to be clean again and my laundry to be done. But, in exchange for those perfect mommy moments, I receive a smile, a coo, or a burp.  In exchange for the perfect hair and makeup...I have a four month old baby who loves to stand up on my lap.

To be humbled even more if that was possible was to break my arm.  2 months from the fateful day, my body still aches.  Surgery fixed my broken bone.  I will never be the same.  To realize that I am not in control.  That I can't fix everything and that I am broken is a hard lesson for me.  To know just how fragile my life is, is something I have never thought about before.  It has changed me.

I am forever changed.  I am a mother of four children.  I am a mother who can't meet their needs all the time.  I am a mother who can't always cook a nutritious meal and have the laundry done.  I am a mother who gives everything she has to her family.

Tonight my kids are warm and happily sleeping upstairs.  And, I have learned that it is enough, just for today.  And while I mourn for the person that I was 4 months ago....I am more blessed today and know that I will continue to grow and change and become a better person....a more complete person.

Snowflakes

The light from my computer lights up the room.  I sit in my soft pink bathrobe, thinking about my day. What can I write about that would explain today? 

Diapers changed, meals fixed, laundry folded, babies nursed, coats zipped, arm exercises done, crying soothed, dishes done, toys picked up.  Yes, these are the things I did but, this wasn't the things I wanted to remember about my day.  So, I keep thinking.  I remember my feelings throughout the day.  Feeling angry, exhausted, frustrated.  Feeling joyful, thankful, and happy.  Could I have felt all those things in one day?  Yes, I did.  There were moments when I wanted to scream like Eli, when I put spaghetti in front of him.  There were moments when I wiped away hot tears of frustration from being overwhelmed and lonely.  But, there were moments when I played and ran with my kids.  I laughed out loud with Grace and Owen.  Moments when thankfulness welled inside me as I talked with my sister and felt loved.  Moments when I missed my husband so much that my stomach hurt so I texted him, just to feel a little closer.  These were the things that I wanted to remember.  Yes, the good and the bad.  It all makes up who I am.  Who my kids are.

And, I remember the snow.  The beautiful snow.  Snow that fell straight down in huge flakes.  Snow that made my backyard so white and beautiful.

And, I remember wet cold noses and fingers.  Giggling boys as they threw snow at each other.  Beautiful snow angels.

Catching snow flakes with their tongues.

I remember gluten free cookies and hot chocolate.  And, as I sipped my tea and ate cookies we talked about school and friends and our Daddy.  And, when they asked if they could have another cookie, I said yes.  I said yes 4 times because we were enjoying it so much. And, I remember Grace grabbing my coffee cup and wanting to join in.

This is the memory I want to hold close from today.  A memory of a cold Feburary day when we bundled up and went outside, when we gorged ourselves on cookies and enjoyed each others company.   This is the memory I will treasure.

Lil Cowgirl

Grace is 3 months old.   She is 3 months and full of smiles.  Her smile is so big that it lights up her whole face.

She loves to talk and kick and is starting to grab all her toys.

And, she is already a BIG Wyoming fan.  Don't you just love her Wyoming gear?  She is always ready for the big game.

This Cowgirl is surrounded by three little boys who make her smile even bigger.  Always being silly and entertaining her.

And, she loves to stand up.  She wants to stand up and be part of the commotion.  Laying on her back is not much of an option anymore.  She wants to be up and about just like her big brothers.

Winter days

On Sunday I was sitting beside Bryan in church.  Father Brian was talking about the impossible things that God asks us to do.  I squeezed Bryan's hand as I thought of our life.  Our life that is so full of love but, seems so impossible some days.

And, more impossible as I look down at my broken arm.

 

But, I look at these pictures of the kiddos and see the important things.

The smiles, the time together, and all the growing we have done in the past two months.  So many things have been a blessing.  Grammy came and stayed with us for a month.  Then, Grandma came and stayed.  We have slowed down a little and watched Grace grow.

What seemed really important two months ago...just isn't so important today.  This time will pass quickly and soon it will be spring.  I am so looking forward to spring.

In the meantime, we will just continue to heal and watch little Grace get bigger and enjoy our time together.

My parents property

Growing up in Wyoming, I didn't think about the snow, the ice, or the cold days.  I didn't think about the temperatures that kept us inside for a week a time.  The wind that would blow and the roads that are always closed.

Moving away and going back over Christmas reminds me of all of this.  Bryan and I always laugh about that first winter we endured together when we first moved back.  We froze and couldn't believe how cold it really was.

But, the beauty within the cold still makes me yearn for home.  Even in the middle of winter.

The stillness along the river

 

The sunrise in the morning

Nothing beats a Wyoming sunrise

Christmas in Sheridan

It's cold and snowy outside.  Inside there is a little girl in a Christmas dress patiently waiting in front of the Christmas tree.  Waiting patiently to open her presents.  She has been full of excitment all day and the time has finally arrived.

She wants to sit next to her favorite cousin.  They sit together and look at all their gifts.  Counting them.  Feeling them.  Waiting for the adults to give them permission to open them.

Her daddy comes over to see her gifts.  She excitedly shows him all the beautiful packages that have her name on them.  And, then it is finally time.  Time to open all the gifts.  She squeals with excitment as she uncovers princesses, doll clothes, and new books.  I just love Christmas through the eyes of a two year old.  All the shopping, all the wrapping, all the preparing is worth it for these few moments of excitment.

This year little Grace doesn't get to excited about her gifts even when the kids try to wake her.  But, the boys had fun opening her gifts and saving them for her.

After all the unwrapping, we sneak off to bed to wait to for Santa.  There is no complaining about going to bed because they know Santa won't arrive until they are asleep.

At 4:30, I hear little feet running down the hall.  I hear little voices whispering in the darkness.  I drag myself from under the warmth of the blanket and find a light.  I tell the kids to go back to bed.  Hoping they will listen.  Knowing they won't.  So, we walk into the living room and they see all the presents Santa has left.

Santa left all the right gifts.  BB guns, a 22, a basketball hoop, and clothes for baby Grace.  The boys run their hands over their new guns wanting to take them out to shoot them right away.  Knowing they have to wait, they plan their shooting adventure minute by minute.

It was quite a Christmas.  We are so blessed and thankful for the gifts and the time with family.  It's just a special time that we always cherish.

Xmas with Grammy and Gramps

 We placed Grace under the tree and watched her kick and squirm.  Grace was our Christmas present this year and the boys were so excited.  They wanted to show her all the lights and presents and share their candy with her.  They opened each of her presents and carefully showed them to her.  Christmas this year was extra special with a little girl.

We drove to Wyoming a few days before Christmas and spend some time at Grammy and Gramp's house.  The boys could hardly wait until they could open their presents.  Every other minute they were asking....."Can we open our presents yet?"  So, to pass the time before the big event we kept ourselves busy playing.

Eli loved Grammy's big letters.  He would carry them around making all the letter sounds.  And, be careful not to touch his letters....he didn't want anyone else playing with them.  W is always his favorite and this one he kept close to him at all times.


Here is Owen and Gabe just being plain silly.

 

 Until FINALLY it was time to open presents.  They boys were beyond excited.  Their favorite gift was their new Kindle Fire's and each of us had to master Fruit Ninja before we could do anything else.

We had such a good time with Grammy and Gramps and were so glad that we got to spend time with them before they headed to Arizona for Christmas day.  We feel so blessed that we get to spend so much time with family.

Gracie December 2012

Precious baby girl. Growing so fast.  Changing everyday. 

Growing while her three brothers run around here waiting for the day when she is ready to play.  Eli screams "Gracie, Gracie, Gracie" when he wants to play.   Gabe goes over and picks her up, talking sweet to her an telling her how to play basketball.  And, Owen.  He leans over really close and whispers softly to her.  Telling her secrets that I can't understand.   She is surrounded by so much love it makes my heart melt.