A writing prompt from Emily Wierenga.
What I am discovering about myself.
I am not the same person that gave birth to Grace 4 months ago. I'm not even sure who that person is anymore. It's always this way after the birth of a child.
I was big and round and confident. I felt I could accomplish anything. I longed to hold and rock my baby and vowed that I would never get tired. Never get frustrated. Never be as exhausted as I was the last three times. I had it all under control....heck I had done it three times before. The fourth would be different. I was ready, organized, and determined.
My beautiful baby girl arrived. I was no longer big and round and confident. I was exhuasted, frustrated, and feeling overwelmed. More now with the fourth then with the others. The woman I was before Grace was no more.
Now, I am the mother of a beautiful baby girl. She smiles at me and my heart melts. As I change her diaper, feed her, nurse her....I change. No longer the same woman. Someone different. Someone better.
Not better the way I wanted to be better. I wanted my body back the way it was before Grace. I wanted my energy back. I wanted my house to be clean again and my laundry to be done. But, in exchange for those perfect mommy moments, I receive a smile, a coo, or a burp. In exchange for the perfect hair and makeup...I have a four month old baby who loves to stand up on my lap.
To be humbled even more if that was possible was to break my arm. 2 months from the fateful day, my body still aches. Surgery fixed my broken bone. I will never be the same. To realize that I am not in control. That I can't fix everything and that I am broken is a hard lesson for me. To know just how fragile my life is, is something I have never thought about before. It has changed me.
I am forever changed. I am a mother of four children. I am a mother who can't meet their needs all the time. I am a mother who can't always cook a nutritious meal and have the laundry done. I am a mother who gives everything she has to her family.
Tonight my kids are warm and happily sleeping upstairs. And, I have learned that it is enough, just for today. And while I mourn for the person that I was 4 months ago....I am more blessed today and know that I will continue to grow and change and become a better person....a more complete person.
What I am discovering about myself.
I am not the same person that gave birth to Grace 4 months ago. I'm not even sure who that person is anymore. It's always this way after the birth of a child.
I was big and round and confident. I felt I could accomplish anything. I longed to hold and rock my baby and vowed that I would never get tired. Never get frustrated. Never be as exhausted as I was the last three times. I had it all under control....heck I had done it three times before. The fourth would be different. I was ready, organized, and determined.
My beautiful baby girl arrived. I was no longer big and round and confident. I was exhuasted, frustrated, and feeling overwelmed. More now with the fourth then with the others. The woman I was before Grace was no more.
Now, I am the mother of a beautiful baby girl. She smiles at me and my heart melts. As I change her diaper, feed her, nurse her....I change. No longer the same woman. Someone different. Someone better.
Not better the way I wanted to be better. I wanted my body back the way it was before Grace. I wanted my energy back. I wanted my house to be clean again and my laundry to be done. But, in exchange for those perfect mommy moments, I receive a smile, a coo, or a burp. In exchange for the perfect hair and makeup...I have a four month old baby who loves to stand up on my lap.
To be humbled even more if that was possible was to break my arm. 2 months from the fateful day, my body still aches. Surgery fixed my broken bone. I will never be the same. To realize that I am not in control. That I can't fix everything and that I am broken is a hard lesson for me. To know just how fragile my life is, is something I have never thought about before. It has changed me.
I am forever changed. I am a mother of four children. I am a mother who can't meet their needs all the time. I am a mother who can't always cook a nutritious meal and have the laundry done. I am a mother who gives everything she has to her family.
Tonight my kids are warm and happily sleeping upstairs. And, I have learned that it is enough, just for today. And while I mourn for the person that I was 4 months ago....I am more blessed today and know that I will continue to grow and change and become a better person....a more complete person.
this is such a tender love letter to yourself, Kris. so gentle, and honest. your children are so blessed to call you mother.
ReplyDeletei love your vulnerability. let me encourage you and say this. there will probably never be a time when we can do all those things perfectly. and in those tiny spaces of imperfection lies grace. grace and growth and love and all those things that mommy's REALLY do best.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry for your broken and the pain that probably came with it. your children are beautiful. you are beautiful. :)
visiting from emily's. of course. :)