The simplicity of love

So much change surrounds me everyday.   As a mother, change is my ever present condition.

My children change everyday.  You see, Gabe's pants were to small this morning, he's growing so much.  Owen didn't want to snuggle with me this morning like most mornings...he was to busy fixing things with is tools.   And, Eli, for the first time, went and got his own shoes when I told him that it was time to go.  My boys are changing so fast!  When I am just getting used to a routine....they grow and change and it's all new the next day.  How are they changing so fast?

As I hurried out the door last Thursday, grabbing a few last minute items before we drove away from the house on our trip to Sheridan....I looked around at the house.  There we no toys on the floor, the garbage was taken out, the beds were made.  I remember thinking how nice it was to leave the house so clean.  Fast forward to this morning, on our first day back, I look around to toys and coats that clutter my floor.   Then, I make my way into the kitchen and I discover dishes in the sink, stinky garbage from the molding left overs, and 4 loads of dirty laundry that accumulated over the weekend.  How did my house become this place in just one morning?  How did it change so fast?

In my fear and anxiety, I want the world to stop.  I want my children to stay little forever.  I want to be 28 again.  I want to be able to clean up the dishes and do the laundry ONE time, not everyday.   I want to be able to snuggle on the couch with Owen every morning.   I don't want Gabriel to grow out of his size 7 pants and I want my little Eli to stay a little baby so I can carry him around and sing him lullaby's at night.

There are even some days, I would rather stay underneath my covers then face my fear and anxiety.  I would just stay all snuggled in under my blanket where I know I will be warm and cozy and I won't have to face the challenges of the day, the constant change.  Changes of emotion, change of weather, change of clothes, change of routine, diaper changes....it goes on and on.

And, yet there is the one constant that gives me the perseverance to break through my anxiety and face another day of change.  One constant that makes it all make sense....everything.  It's the one thing that allows me to not only perverse through my day but, to find joy and peace in it.  And, when I concentrate on this one thing everything else doesn't seem to matter.    If I concentrate hard enough all my other problems, fears, and anxiety melts away.

It's love.  Love for God.  Love for my husband.  Love for my children.  Love for my family.  Love for my friends.  Love for my neighbors and my country.  When I concentrate on this.....the constant change is OK because I count on this love and I know it will never change....no matter how much my circumstances change.

God will love me no matter how old I get or the choices that I make. Byran and I will love each other through the good and the bad.  I will love my children everyday of their lives no matter how old they are.  And, because I love them....I will serve them with everything in my soul.  I will continue to wash every dirty dish and dirty piece of laundry.  I will continue to change diapers and wipe noses.  Only out of love.   This love is the thing that saves.  It saves me from the fear, the inadequacy, the anxiety.

I will embrace size 8 pants, a little boy who is to old to snuggle, and a growing toddler who can get his own shoes.  I will march into that kitchen and clean that sink full of dishes and after those are clean I will head to the bedroom and put away those stacks of clothes piled high on my bed.   I will lovingly guide three little boys through their day tomorrow and when I lose my temper with them (I always do) I will lovingly apologize and ask for forgiveness.   And, as I make my way through each day, I will embrace the changes knowing that the love will never change.  And, yet love changes everything.