At 2:00 in the afternoon I am patient and loving. This is when Grace is taking her nap, Eli is watching Super Why and the big boys are away at school. When dinner is cooking on the stove and I'm snuggled on my couch with my notebook and bible. I congratulate myself on my perfectness.
At 3:00 I'm thrown into the chaos of 4 children. Gabe and Owen come home from school and Grace starts stirring in her crib.
At 3:15 Gabe is running around the house yelling because he can't find his Pokeman cards. He refuses to get ready for baseball without those cards. We have to leave in a few minutes to make it to baseball practice on time. Grace is screaming up in her crib waiting for me to come get her. Owen is pulling Eli's hair, laughing, and making him scream. My phone starts ringing.
I am no longer patient and loving. I yell at Gabe to find his shoes. I yell at Owen to stop teasing his brother. I yell as I'm running up the stairs to get Grace.
When I walk into her room she feels my tension. She screams louder. I have to change her diaper. Gabe is still not getting ready for baseball and Owen is still teasing his brother. My heart is beating fast and my face is flushed with anger. We have 15 minutes to get to baseball practice.
I wish I could have taken a deep breath and recentered myself. I wish I could have turned my yelling into something else. More than anything, I just wanted to be that calm, assured, patient woman I was just one hour before.
Instead, I herded the children in the car as best I could. I turned up the radio really loud and informed them all not to talk. My car flooded with music and I finally started to breath. Those 15 minutes in the car was what I needed. All my children were quiet and buckled safetly in their car seats. I had control again. I could deal with this.
Motherhood is breaking me. Breaking me open and exposing parts that I hide even from myself. My walls of protection and comfort are gone and so is my self control. And, it's during these intense moments that I can't pretend. My true heart is revealed. This is where I need grace. Grace, love and forgiveness.
Tonight as I cradled Grace in my arms and carried her up to bed I looked at my day with gratitude instead of guilt. I know I will find the grace I need in gratitude.
I was thankful for my afternoon.
The pinch the boys gave me because I wasn't wearing green on St. Patrick's day.
Laughter as I pinched them back.
Tuna Fish sandwiches during baseball practice.
The warm sun and palm trees that surrounded us as we ran on the playground.
A little girl who climbed to the top of the twirly slide and screamed all the way down.
Sand in Eli's hair from his older brother.
Gabe's baseball team cheering him on.
Watching the little ones run up to their daddy when they see him at practice.
Time with Bryan after everyone is sleeping.
And, tomorrow when 3:00 rolls around, I will take a deep breath and remind myself of all there is to be thankful for.
Hi Kris,
ReplyDeleteI am a neighbor at Imperfect Prose. This sounds so much like me, (and I am not even in the diaper stage anymore) on a daily basis. Why? I ask myself, can't I bring the calm center of being alone with Jesus into the chaos of life? I don't have an answer. I do know that child induced stress, repeated and repeated does start to alter everything in our physical bodies. Lack of sleep negates our ability to cope. Jesus is there in the thick. The Holy Spirit's whisper can speak louder than four children fighting over food. Sometimes I can feel it, I can hear it, and respond to its power. Sometimes I don't and start cussing. I don't rightly know what the difference is, but God does not change, and His love and grace towards us does not change. And knowing that is enough. So glad to read an honest account or chaos, failure and grace. I think Christian Mom blogs need to start being more broken real confessional, and less perfect inspirational devotional...if that makes sense.
Cheers,
Leah