A dream that I have pursued for years. The dream that lodges in the back of your head and stays there throughout your days. It's all you think about and strive for. "I will be so happy when (place big dream here)". "If only (big dream again)" then everything will be perfect. A goal you strive for beyond everything else because you know that it will bring you true happiness. Something to work for and hope for. It defines you, this dream. It's what you have always wanted.
But, what happens when you suddenly realize you no longer want your dream? When the reality of the situation hits you in the face and you know in the bottom of your soul that actually getting your dream won't make you happy. Then, what?
What is there to hope for? To dream about? To work towards? Especially when your dream is not replaced by another big lofty dream.
Well, I'm feeling a little lost. I'm feeling unsure about who I am and what I've always wanted. I'm really not sure of where to go from here.
For now, I find myself not trusting in the big lofty dream but in the day to day happiness. It's all I really have right now. The happiness that only comes in the moment. In trusting that each day is unfolding in perfect order. Giving up my dream and what I thought I wanted is very difficult for me. It's life changing. Yet, God has whispered in my ear that His plans are bigger then mine.
It's the trusting that is hard. Trusting in something that isn't hoped for or dreamed about. Trusting in something that isn't mine. I feel like I am floating out in the ocean without an anchor. No land in sight, just floating. Not sure where I'm going or when I will get there.
My only choice is to trust in the infinite goodness of the moment.
1 year old snotty kisses.
A 4 year old boy who swims across the pool into my arms for the first time.
A seven year old who leaves Pokemon cards all over my house.
A bike ride at 6:30 in the morning with a 9 year old who never stops talking.
A husband who wraps his arms around me and takes my breath away.
This desert. This home filled with 4 children. This marriage that grows with a deep trusting love. A family miles away who I long for but, love more deeply. Friends who love me in every stage of life. These are the things that I'm living for, hoping for, and where I am finding my happiness. I'm not looking into the future to find my happiness. I am finding it right here in this moment. In this day. In this place. And, I am blessed.
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