My struggle

We are all given struggles.   This life hands all of us our own measure of hard and difficulty.   It makes us who we are and creates us into we are suppose to be.   We can always look at someone else and think how easy everything is for them not really knowing their real struggle.  

And, healing comes in so many ways.   For me, sharing, is healing.   Typing it out on this computer screen in the middle of the night is like Tylenol for a headache.   It breaks open my wounds and then starts to heal them.   So if you are reading this, thank you for listening.  Thank you for being part of my healing.  Thank you for sharing in my world and hearing my words.

 My daily struggle is my health.

And, this picture brings back so many memories for me.   Memories of the long struggle that I have had with my health.   This picture was taken 5 years ago right after one of my many detox diets.    After this picture was taken, I had a fever for several days that started my journey to healing and continues today.

Some of the most vivid memories of my childhood are in the bathroom.  Sometimes laying on the floor, in a ball waiting for a stomach ache to pass.    I can remember being 5 years old with a stomach ache.   I can remember being 25 with a stomach ache.   Everyday my stomach hurt.   It hurt so often, this became my norm.   I thought it was normal.  I didn't know any different.

During my childhood I spent lots of time in the emergency room and hospitals.   Even spending over a month in the National Jewish Hospital for my food allergies.   They were life threatening and unexplainable.

My memories in my teen years were my fatigue.   Being so tired that I could hardly function.   Sleeping most of my day away.   Never having any energy, not knowing what it was like to feel energized and I continued to have severe allergic reactions and stomach issues.

In my early 20's I remember vividly my first migraine.   I was in Chiapis, Mexico.   Riding an overnight bus to get to the rainforest.   I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time but, I was very sick.   This was the first of hundreds of headaches that I would experience.

In my thirties, my headaches defined my life.   I had two small, energetic boys and I couldn't get off the couch.   I wasn't the mother or the person that I wanted to be.  I just kept getting sicker and sicker.   Over these years in my life, I had spent hours in Dr. offices, emergency rooms, and hospitals.  I have been on medication after medication.    I was coping with my life but not living my life. 

Looking back, I know now that I have never felt health.  I don't think I have ever felt the energy that most people feel.  I have never known what it feels like to get up in the morning and feel good.  To live life without a stomach ache, an allergic reaction, or a migraine.   It is part of who I am and who I continue to be.

But, most people will look at me and see something different.   They don't really know what is going on inside.  They see the mother of four.  Someone who looks lean and fit.  Most people would never guess that I struggle so much with my health.  

Thankfully, today I am healthier then I have ever been and I catch glimpses of what it feels like to feel good.    I make sacrifices to feel this way.   My diet is very, very limited.  I have learned over the years of following Naturpathic medicine that I am intolerant to many foods, including gluten.   And, I am thankful SO THANKFUL that I know this about myself.  Thankful that I am not trying to cover up my symptoms with medications.

Knowing that food is making me sick doesn't make my struggle easier.   My diet is extremely limited and to put it in a nutshell I only eat meat, fruits, and vegetables.   Whole foods, mostly organic.   Today with the help of my neighbor, who is a nutritionist, I am taking my healing to a deeper level and healing even more.    It is moment by moment hard.

Some days these cravings get the most of me and I run to the cupboard and eat handfuls of chocolate chips.   Secretly, I open the bag of potato chips and eat half the bag. I think that if no one sees me that it will be OK.     Until my joints start to hurt, hives break out on my skin, and the fatigue settles in like a fog.   The struggle doesn't end there because two to three days later I will get a migraine headache.

The only thing I can do is start again tomorrow.    I start again each day with a new resolve.   A resolve to muster my way through this struggle that is my health, my life.   Somedays I win the battle and other I don't.   I have learned to be patient with myself when I get off track.   I have learned to forgive myself and be kind to my body.   I have learned that I have to take special care of myself and I do (on most days).

I know what God's will is for me.   It is to love my husband and my children with everything that I am.  I can't do that if I am on the couch with a migraine or in hospital with an allergic reaction.   I can only do that if I continue to learn how to best take care of this body that God has given me.   To listen when it cries out in pain.   To learn how to control the cravings and the moods.   To be as healthy as I can be in this given moment and when I'm not, to know that I will do better tomorrow.

There is no magic pill for my struggle.   There is no Dr. that can cure me but, I have something better then this.  I have hope.   Hope in a God that promises the best for me if I love him.   Hope that my struggle can change me and therefore change the people around me.   Hope that I can persevere through each day and learn to be the person that God has destined for me since the beginning of time.   To have courage and stand up against this struggle that is my health.

So much good has come from my struggle because I have learned to be healthy for me but, also for my family.   Preparing healthy foods each day has become a special calling in my life.  My children and husband will roll their eyes at the homemade breads, flax seed, and probiotics.   And, I just smile at them in satisfaction knowing I am helping them be healthy.  This struggle of mine has made me a better mother, a better cook, and a better wife and, for this I am so thankful.   Thankful for the struggle that is my health.

How preschool has changed us

A little four year old boy.   The little boy who used to be the baby but had to give this role to his little sister.

Who has two older brothers.

A little boy who likes things just a certain way.   The way he had it yesterday and the day before and the day before.   His banana peeled just right.   His green crocs placed on his feet just so.  Syrup on his toast.....never jelly.

 

He finds comfort in repetition and sameness.

A little boy who can focus on something for hours.   Letters, Angry Birds, and now a show called Super Why.   His love for "it" is all consuming.   He can think of nothing else and it brings him so much happiness when he is engaged in it.

We are so different, Eli and I.   I don't understand him and am so easily frustrated by our day to day struggles.    Eli, why can't you just try to eat something new?   Don't you get tired of cheese and fruit all the time?   Eli, why can't you wear these nice new black shoes that actually fit you?   Eli, why do you want to play Angry Birds for the third hour in a row?   Aren't you tired of playing Angry Birds?  Eli, I really don't understand why you are screaming, this blue cup is just fine, I don't have time to wash the yellow one.

There are days when Bryan comes home and sees that look in my eyes.   He knows.    He will scoop Eli up and take him outside.   He knows Eli and I need some time apart.  Eli can just be with his dad.   No power struggle.  

The Dr. recommended that Eli start preschool.   She encouraged me to enroll him right away.   She knew he would be able to relate to the other children and have something of his own.

I found excuses to keep him home.   Preschool cost to much money.  He's not ready for preschool yet.   How will they fix his snack just right?   Who will understand him when he gets frustrated?  He isn't even potty trained yet.

The assumptions that I had about Eli and preschool were wrong.  I now realize I was only holding him back by wanting to keep him home and I am so happy that I finally enrolled him in preschool.

This is his third week and I have never seen a little boy more excited about school.   He absolutely LOVES it.  

He is so proud of himself and would love if he could go to school everyday. 

He has found his place.   A place to meet new friends, learn, and explore.   I am very proud of him.

 I think about Eli and know that I don't always understand him.  I also know in those really hard moments I need to put away MY stubbornness and unwillingness to change.     This is not easy for me to do.  It means I have to let go of myself a little more and love Eli the way he needs to be loved.  

I am so thankful for this little boy.   This little boy who is teaching me to love, to grow, and be loved.    

LOVE

It's amazing how a heart can be so filled with love that there is no need for Valentines.

No need for the sweetness of chocolate or the rich redness of roses.

Instead it is filled with the rhythm of our busy lives.   

Overflowing with our need for each other.

My intention on Valentines Day was to wake a little early and make a special breakfast, heart shaped pancakes.

But, I stumbled out of bed just in time to make the boys their usual toast and eggs.  

It's OK that I didn't get this just right because the boys see me and run over to give me a big hug and tell me Happy Valentine's Day.  

It's then I realize that we really didn't need that special breakfast.   

The normal breakfast that I usually make is enough.  And, each morning it is the same.   Filled with sacrifice and love.

To give of ourselves everyday.  To learn to sacrifice a little more each day.

Giving and sharing and professing our love to each other in every moment.

And, at the end of the day being blessed by it all.   Then waking up and doing it all again tomorrow.

Happy Valentines Day 2014

Our Pool

There isn't one moment that goes by when I am not thankful for the beauty in my life.

Always remembering how blessed we are.

 

Never forgetting how unexpected this all is.

Beyond any of my expectations or dreams.

This beautiful place in the desert that we have made into a home.

  

 Blessings that I can see out my window each morning.

And, as I gaze at the stars each night.

A total transformation.

That reminds me each day of who I am and who I am going to be.

Something new and completely transformed.

Ezekiel 36:26

And I will give you a new heart and I will put a new spirit in you. 

Comparing

I have a friend who is adopting a little girl from Africa.   She has been dreaming about this for years.   She has put her love into action, followed her heart and started the process.   Not afraid of the sacrifice, only knowing in her heart this is what she is called to do.

I have another friend who gives all her time to the boy scouts.   She coordinates Gabe's pack and spends many hours a day organizing events and programs.   Giving of herself unselfishly everyday.

I have other friend in my Mom's club who volunteer their time.   They organize a group of ladies that makes a difference in our community.   They help other mom's in need in many ways.

As I am thinking about all the things other people are doing to make a difference in this world.  Guilt starts to run think in my veins.   What do I do?   How do I give?      I start saying negative things to myself.   Hidden places that no one else would know about.    "Kris, your not good enough".   "You are selfish".   "You are sitting in that big house surrounded by so much and you don't give enough".

These are the thoughts that eat away at my heart.   They start small and I soon find myself snapping at my children or running to the cupboard hoping to find that big chocolate bar.   I have to find something that will take away my guilt and hopelessness.   

That night, I poured a hot bath.   I lay in the hot water praying in mumbled tones.    As my prayer became more clear, I asked God.    "What am I suppose to do"?  "What is my purpose"?  It was more of a pity party then anything.   Listening to the dark voices, feeling sorry for myself.

God answered and started warming my heart.   The spirit started releasing my anxiety.      I cried healing tears.  Tears that washed the bitterness away and left me raw.     Stripped raw but, able to see more clearly.  

Right now in this moment I am called to love.   Nothing more and nothing less.   Love beyond all understanding.   My love is different then everyone's love.   I am called to do MY part.   Not theirs.

I am to love my four year old when he screams and refuses to eat.   Loving him today means not screaming back at him.   Not putting him a time out.   Loving him means being compassionate and trying to understand and help him as he struggles to control his emotions.  

I am to love my neighbor who lives behind me.   I am to love her even when she pokes her head over my fence speaking hate towards me.    Loving her means not seeking vengence on her but, responding with kindness and understanding.   

I am to love a person in my life who is so different from me that I can't understand them.   I take their words the wrong way and it's so easy for my attitude towards them to turn bitter and prideful.   Loving them means not allowing the bitterness to start, praying over them, and tying harder to compassionatly understand them.

I am to love the teenagers in the park who have no respect.  They talk endlessly on their cell phones using cuss words to communicate.   My babies hear these words and I want to scream at them.   I want to tell them in a very mean voice that I won't tolerate this behavior.   I want to scream my hate at them.   But, loving them means talking to them nicely and trying to remember what it is like to be a teenager.

I am to love all people.  Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.   Baptists and Methodists.   Presbyterians and Episcopalians.   All the Non Denominations.  The Muslims, Jews, and Buddhists.  Accepting them on their journey knowing with my whole being that God loves them too.   Loving them means not putting them in my tight little box of understanding.  It means standing beside them on their journey and encouraging them.

I am to love my friends and family who are non believers.   Loving them means I will accept them and their beliefs and not think that my way of spirituality is better then theirs.   I will not judge them.   I will accept their belief in the things of this world and love them even more for it.

I am to love my friends from my past who are hard to love.   They don't live their life the way I would.    It's so easy for me to forget about them and find new friends.   My friends who think more like me.  Who do the same things as me.   Who are EASY to love in this season of my life.  Loving my friends from my past means that I call them, I pray for them, and I am their friend no matter what happens.

I am to love my children at 8:30 at night when all I want is some adult time.  Loving them means I stay longer in their bedrooms at night.   I read them 1 more bible study.   I sit on the edge of their bed and sing them their songs.   I rock my little pig tailed girl until she falls asleep.    I stop and pray over each head knowing my precious alone time is slipping away.

I am to love a husband who runs a large company, supports a big family and is trying to quit chewing.   Loving him means forgiveness, selflessness, and not judging him.   Loving him means that everyday I humble myself and work hard at our marriage even when I don't want to.

And, me.    I will love me.   I will love me tomorrow by cooking nutritious foods for myself, listening to my body, and learning ways to make myself stronger and healthier.   I will take an hour of quiet time while Grace sleeps and do my bible study.   I will call my mom or a friend just for some adult conversation.  I will honor this time even if there is laundry to fold and dishes in the sink.

This is my calling.   This is right where God wants me to be and when I stop and listen I can hear these confirming words.  It's when I am trying to compare myself to others that I am blind to see all that is front of me.   Because I know through my faith and trust in God that I am doing exactly what I have been called to do.  Right here in the middle of the desert.

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

BFF

There is nothing better in this world than friendship.   Those friends that you make along your journey and they turn into more than friends.  They turn into family.

Friends that will sacrifice to travel a thousand miles to visit you.

They come no matter what your house looks like or that you have "a million" other things going on.

They arrive and it's like no time has passed since we saw them last.   

We are just BEST FRIENDS like always.

Judy and Daniel.....We love you and are so thankful for you!

The boys had such a great time during their visit.    Just doing simple things together.

Like eating a while pound of bacon.   These boys LOVE their bacon.

Or swimming in the hot tub.

We also took a day trip to the zoo.   The boys loved all the animals and rides.   It was just such a special time to have them visit.

We can't forget the deer and goats that decided to eat our shirts.   The boys just thought this was hilarious.

Or the giraffe's with the LONG tongues.

But, the icecream was the best part.   Icecream and best buddies!

We can't wait until our next visit!