My struggle

We are all given struggles.   This life hands all of us our own measure of hard and difficulty.   It makes us who we are and creates us into we are suppose to be.   We can always look at someone else and think how easy everything is for them not really knowing their real struggle.  

And, healing comes in so many ways.   For me, sharing, is healing.   Typing it out on this computer screen in the middle of the night is like Tylenol for a headache.   It breaks open my wounds and then starts to heal them.   So if you are reading this, thank you for listening.  Thank you for being part of my healing.  Thank you for sharing in my world and hearing my words.

 My daily struggle is my health.

And, this picture brings back so many memories for me.   Memories of the long struggle that I have had with my health.   This picture was taken 5 years ago right after one of my many detox diets.    After this picture was taken, I had a fever for several days that started my journey to healing and continues today.

Some of the most vivid memories of my childhood are in the bathroom.  Sometimes laying on the floor, in a ball waiting for a stomach ache to pass.    I can remember being 5 years old with a stomach ache.   I can remember being 25 with a stomach ache.   Everyday my stomach hurt.   It hurt so often, this became my norm.   I thought it was normal.  I didn't know any different.

During my childhood I spent lots of time in the emergency room and hospitals.   Even spending over a month in the National Jewish Hospital for my food allergies.   They were life threatening and unexplainable.

My memories in my teen years were my fatigue.   Being so tired that I could hardly function.   Sleeping most of my day away.   Never having any energy, not knowing what it was like to feel energized and I continued to have severe allergic reactions and stomach issues.

In my early 20's I remember vividly my first migraine.   I was in Chiapis, Mexico.   Riding an overnight bus to get to the rainforest.   I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time but, I was very sick.   This was the first of hundreds of headaches that I would experience.

In my thirties, my headaches defined my life.   I had two small, energetic boys and I couldn't get off the couch.   I wasn't the mother or the person that I wanted to be.  I just kept getting sicker and sicker.   Over these years in my life, I had spent hours in Dr. offices, emergency rooms, and hospitals.  I have been on medication after medication.    I was coping with my life but not living my life. 

Looking back, I know now that I have never felt health.  I don't think I have ever felt the energy that most people feel.  I have never known what it feels like to get up in the morning and feel good.  To live life without a stomach ache, an allergic reaction, or a migraine.   It is part of who I am and who I continue to be.

But, most people will look at me and see something different.   They don't really know what is going on inside.  They see the mother of four.  Someone who looks lean and fit.  Most people would never guess that I struggle so much with my health.  

Thankfully, today I am healthier then I have ever been and I catch glimpses of what it feels like to feel good.    I make sacrifices to feel this way.   My diet is very, very limited.  I have learned over the years of following Naturpathic medicine that I am intolerant to many foods, including gluten.   And, I am thankful SO THANKFUL that I know this about myself.  Thankful that I am not trying to cover up my symptoms with medications.

Knowing that food is making me sick doesn't make my struggle easier.   My diet is extremely limited and to put it in a nutshell I only eat meat, fruits, and vegetables.   Whole foods, mostly organic.   Today with the help of my neighbor, who is a nutritionist, I am taking my healing to a deeper level and healing even more.    It is moment by moment hard.

Some days these cravings get the most of me and I run to the cupboard and eat handfuls of chocolate chips.   Secretly, I open the bag of potato chips and eat half the bag. I think that if no one sees me that it will be OK.     Until my joints start to hurt, hives break out on my skin, and the fatigue settles in like a fog.   The struggle doesn't end there because two to three days later I will get a migraine headache.

The only thing I can do is start again tomorrow.    I start again each day with a new resolve.   A resolve to muster my way through this struggle that is my health, my life.   Somedays I win the battle and other I don't.   I have learned to be patient with myself when I get off track.   I have learned to forgive myself and be kind to my body.   I have learned that I have to take special care of myself and I do (on most days).

I know what God's will is for me.   It is to love my husband and my children with everything that I am.  I can't do that if I am on the couch with a migraine or in hospital with an allergic reaction.   I can only do that if I continue to learn how to best take care of this body that God has given me.   To listen when it cries out in pain.   To learn how to control the cravings and the moods.   To be as healthy as I can be in this given moment and when I'm not, to know that I will do better tomorrow.

There is no magic pill for my struggle.   There is no Dr. that can cure me but, I have something better then this.  I have hope.   Hope in a God that promises the best for me if I love him.   Hope that my struggle can change me and therefore change the people around me.   Hope that I can persevere through each day and learn to be the person that God has destined for me since the beginning of time.   To have courage and stand up against this struggle that is my health.

So much good has come from my struggle because I have learned to be healthy for me but, also for my family.   Preparing healthy foods each day has become a special calling in my life.  My children and husband will roll their eyes at the homemade breads, flax seed, and probiotics.   And, I just smile at them in satisfaction knowing I am helping them be healthy.  This struggle of mine has made me a better mother, a better cook, and a better wife and, for this I am so thankful.   Thankful for the struggle that is my health.